Going back to the beginning….

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I remember I once read that a Christian as he/she matures, it is not that he/she gain more new knowledge or wisdom.  Rather, it is the continue renewal and getting the thirst to know and to seek Jesus.

A few weeks ago, I wrote an email to a close friend that I lost the passion to serve the Lord. Perhaps this was a bit too strong of words.
I can see how my skills at Overseas Missionary Fellowship can benefit the fellowship overall and more importantly help missionaries get on the field faster and easier.  I continue to work as hard as I can (not overwork, nor under-work) given my role here. 
What I was referring to ‘losing my passion’ was that back in 2007 Dec 25th when I signed a contract to God that I would seek Him, I was very gung ho in serving.  I was willing to push myself beyond what I felt comfortable and desire to go.  
Today, I don’t have the same feel.  Perhaps this is what passion is about.  It is not just a mere feeling or an emotion. It is a desire to keep going and keep doing (or keep serving) even when I don’t feel like it.  Another way of putting it is that it takes me a lot more mental energy to get myself to go.
I felt like I use to be so much more adventurous.  Now I feel like I have to slow down and rest.  
I was sharing today that the more I tried to let go of things (internet, comfort etc.), the closer I cling to it. Or the closer I can feel myself clinging to it.  
I feel burden in my mind and in my heart.  I want to go back to those times when I just go because I wanted to seek.  Not just calculating what I will lost or what I need to give up and reminisce how I can’t live without this or that.
Today is Christmas day at Singapore.  During today’s worship, I danced and jumped and praised the Lord.  
One of the lyrics in the worship songs went like this…
And I won’t worry about tomorrow… 
I give you my fears and sorrrows…
Where You lead me, I will follow…
I’m trusting in what you say…
Today is the day…
(Song: Today is the day by Lincoln Brewster)
And so I pray to God for Him to free the burdening in my heart.
On the way back home, I thought about a few things…
Sometimes I unconsciously ask God, please don’t send me to a place where there’s no Internet. I can’t survive without Facebook.  Please don’t send me far.  Send me close to home.  Close to comfort.  Perhaps I won’t speak it out but I can feel what my mind desires.
Then I think, yes I can either pray for God to not send me to a place to serve where I don’t feel adequate….
OR
I can be bold and courageous and ask the Lord to change my heart so I can serve in places where He calls me to go.  What if I start praying to the Lord to change my heart so I can go to places where there’s no Internet or AC or convenience or comfort?
That I think is a more Biblical way to pray.  Just like when Jesus say in John 14:13-14…

And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

And so today.  December 25th, 2011.  Three years ago, when I sign the contract with God.  Three years later, I feel like I am going back to the beginning.
Going back to seek Him first in everything I do…
Going back to seek the Holy Spirit….
Now asking God to change my heart, refine it and so I will go where He calls me to go…
And feeling the joy and freedom in knowing that even at times I feel burden at Singapore.  When the air of suppression hangs over me, I continue to keep moving and don’t stop (even at times I feel like I ain’t moving at all).
This time around, God placed me a great partner to walk in this journey with….
Today is the day, you have made.
I will rejoice and be glad in it.
Today is the day you have made.
I will rejoice and be glad in it.

And I won’t worry about tomorrow.
I’m trusting in what you say.
Today is the day.

Worship at Cornerstone Community Church.  We had a 60 retro theme.  Simply awesome!

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By Cliff

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