In the lecture for the course Historical Books (OTS 601), Rev. Daniel Caram described David as gently guiding the flock mentioned in Psalm 78:70–72 (Historical Books). This description of David applies to parenting. Bailey also described David as a shepherd who gave special attention to the ewes because they were young (Bailey, David and Solomon 48). He then encouraged leaders to slow down for others. Our children are the flock God has given us to oversee. We need to guide them gently, giving attention to the pace set by our children. The children’s spiritual growth and desire set how far the child can walk spiritually.
When Esau offered to accompany Jacob, his family, and his herds, Jacob declined because he understood he could not move as fast as Esau because of the herds and families he was responsible for. If Jacob pushed too hard and fast, the young ewes would die from exhaustion (Gen. 33:13). As a shepherd, Jacob set the pace based on the slowest of the herd, not the strongest.
This applies to discipleship at home. Unfortunately, I am guilty of walking far ahead, especially when I am busy, and My young children cannot walk as fast as me. If I rush them to keep my pace, they will fall and hurt themselves. The other day, while the mother was with a toddler, the father was walking far ahead. God told me this is not the image of David leading the ewes with care.
While serving as the Assistant Pastor at LifeHouse, one of my responsibilities was setting up the Sunday service in a school gym. At the time, my firstborn was two years old. One Sunday, I was rushing to set everything up myself because I did not have enough volunteers. My mother brought my daughter to the gym early. She tried to keep up with me with her tiny feet, but I was too busy setting up chairs and tables. Instead of treating her kindly, I saw her as a hindrance to my work. Unfortunately, I acted rashly and did not care for my daughter. She tripped and fell to the ground. I saw the sadness in her eyes. Normally she wailed when she fell. This time she sat there motionless, totally disheartened because I ignored her.
That scene broke my heart. Setting up chairs and tables was not a big deal in the grand scheme. The service needed to run, but it shouldn’t matter if it was late. Because I was trying to please my leaders by setting up the service perfectly, I neglected my daughter’s needs. Looking back, what I could have done was pay attention to my child and, at the same time, set up the chairs and tables. It would have taken longer, but I would have finished setting up the gym in time for the service. More importantly, I wouldn’t hurt my daughter in the process. Imagine a ministry leader and church members volunteering to join your ministry. Instead of seeing our children as liabilities and hindrances to doing God’s work, we should see our children as assets. Unfortunately, that Sunday morning, I saw my daughter as a liability.
In our interview, Pastor John mentioned the challenge of treating ministry as discipleship rather than a program and getting things done (Mah). This can be applied to if we treat the family as a church. Worshiping together can be messy at times. Our children may not do what we expect. And that’s okay because they are still learning. Parents themselves may have trouble leading worship with the family. I mentioned before how often my spiritual sharing with my children often ended up with them running around. Our worship at home may not be at the level we see at church, and that’s ok. The key is worshipping together in love.
Bailey, too, cautions leaders about being too gung-ho, charging ahead, and leaving the team behind (David and Solomon 49). We can apply the same lesson in parenting. This is especially difficult for lay leaders who are involved in church and hold full-time jobs. I served every night when I was single, from leadership meetings to prayer meetings to fellowship. Now, as the father of two young children, I cannot commit to the same level of engagement. Everyone can serve the church according to one’s ability. Instead of serving in ministry settings, I’ve started meeting young Christian men one-on-one for discipleship. These days, it is not unusual for me to invite them to meet at a food court with my children in tow as we talk about faith.
The level of commitment to our children and ministry differs for every family. The hard part is that there is no set formula. Each couple needs to discern what is best for their family based on the needs of their children and their current season of life. We should not assume we can continue to serve like we did before we had children. Parents should ask themselves how they can serve in church or ministry at a pace suitable for their children’s well-being. Another way to look at it is how to get the children involved. Just like the image of David as a shepherd leading the ewes with young from behind and not ahead. May we also be gentle with our children, especially when they need us.
When we returned to Singapore from Canada two years ago, I transitioned to a full-time stay-at-home dad. As such, I couldn’t serve in the same capacity as I did before we had children. I’ve started helping at Cornerstone’s Community Plus, an online evangelistic service, where I am one of the Zoom speakers every other week. I am meeting individuals in one-on-one discipleship sessions during the week. Lastly, I am writing articles on discipleship and relationships.
Pastor John observed that many elders’ children no longer attend church (Mah). He warned me that it was easy to do more ministry when there were issues at home because issues at home were often more difficult to solve than those in ministry. Leaders may also find the prestige of serving in ministry attractive. Or they want to avoid issues at home, so they serve in the church. Church members often look up to lay leaders and offer encouragement for their labours for the Lord. These praises may even give the leaders the impression that their work in ministry is more important than issues at home. We need to remind ourselves that praises from others should not be our motivation for service; only the “well done” from our Lord and Master for faithful service in His kingdom (Matt. 25:23). Also, our relationship with our spouse and with our children is also ministry as well.
I continue to remind myself that when it comes to discipling our children, I am the only father they have. No one can replace me as the father of my children. On the other hand, other brothers and sisters in Christ can take my ministry role. I often find it easier to get excited about being part of a ministry than to spend time with my children. When I am tired of looking after my children, I remind myself I am investing not only in their lives but in the lives of succeeding generations through them.
Because ministry time often conflicts with family time in the evening, ministers and lay leaders need to pay attention to how they disciple their children, so they do not feel neglected. A study by the Barna Group titled “Prodigal Sons: Facts or Fiction” surveyed 603 senior pastors across US Protestant churches. Although the sample size was not large, it offered insight into how church leaders viewed themselves as parents. Nineteen percent said they wouldn’t change a thing in their parenting. This means that most of the pastors, 81%, admitted they would change something in their parenting style if they could do it all over again. Forty-two percent admitted they would spend more time with their children.
Though the survey focuses on whether pastoral kids are prodigals or just a stereotype, we can see the struggle of pastors as parents. Since discipleship requires relationship and relationship requires spending time together, ministers can feel the pinch between choosing the time to spend with their children versus their busy schedule in ministry. This is not just for ministers but also for lay leaders because lay leaders work during the day and serve at night or on weekends.
The challenge is treating family time as important as ministry time. Protecting family time is essential, as ministry can also come at unexpected times. Often spending time with the family is put on hold when there is an emergency with a church member or ministry. Pastor John experienced this firsthand as his parents prioritized ministry over him (Mah). His parents made him feel guilty when he was sick because his parents had to take him to the doctor instead of doing ministry. This pressure on the child was not necessary and was not healthy. A child could develop negative feelings toward ministry or the church because she sees it robs away her parents’ attention. Fortunately, these painful childhood memories did not stain Pastor John’s desire to follow Jesus. He saw doing ministry as running a family business.
Ministers and lay leaders need to guard their hearts and make sure they spend time with God, their spouse, and their children. Zion Ministries addresses this in its ministry manual, cautioning: “[a] leader must not be so busy in the Lord’s work that he has no time to spend with God or his family” (P. Caram, Minister’s Manual 34). The leader must set guardrails to protect his time with his family, especially his children. I have been a minister with children for a short period and have discovered the difficulty of guarding family time. It is easy for me to absorb into ministry even when I am with the family.
On top of that, smartphones and social media can be intrusive and disruptive when ministers have family time. The church must partner with its pastoral staff and lay leaders and not interrupt them during family time. At a minimum, the church community should avoid contacting the leaders during Sabbath for ministry-related needs.
When I served under Pastor James, the Senior Pastor at LifeHouse, I noticed the boundaries he set. Knowing he couldn’t minister to everyone, he focused on the key leaders. Church members who needed help were directed first to their Life Group, a fellowship group. Each Life Group has a couple that looks after the group. If there are serious issues that the Life Group leaders cannot cope with, they will bring it up to the elders or Pastor James. Pastor James set this boundary because if not, everyone at church would ask him for help, and he would be stretched. By having this boundary, Pastor James can function in developing his leaders and have time to disciple his children.
Every family is different and has unique needs, so every leader needs to set boundaries based on their needs in their current season. We shouldn’t judge a leader who spends time with his children instead of doing ministry; it is not a sign that he is a lousy parent or isn’t doing his job as a minister. Children grow and change rapidly physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Parents must be mindful of seasons when their children need more time and attention. We should encourage every leader to be discerning in ensuring they give their children the right amount of attention.
Leaders who prioritize ministry over their children will spend as little time as possible with them because ministry takes precedence. Ministers must ensure their family is physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy. By doing this, the minister can continue to serve the church for the long haul.
The “Prodigal Pastor Kids” survey reveals that pastors’ children struggle with faith just as much as other children. They have a more challenging time in the church because expectations are placed upon them to be good Christians even before they have time to process their faith. One of the questions from the survey asks pastors, which are their parents, why they think their children struggle in developing their faith. The top two reasons are unrealistic expectations others place on them (28%) and exposure to the negative aspects of the church (18%).
It is challenging for children from pastors and lay leaders to develop their faith without judgment and criticism. Because of their parent’s status in the church, Kinnaman described the children as “living in a moral and spiritual fishbowl; all sides in the church evaluate their actions” (“Prodigal Pastor Kids”). In the church, we need to foster an environment where children, young adults, and adults can grow without judgment or condemnation. Children, especially pastors’ children, need space to ask questions and explore the faith so they can decide to follow Jesus.
Many youths who grew up in church find it difficult to share their doubts. One-third of young Christians (36%) feel they can’t ask pressing life questions in church, and 10% cannot talk about their doubts in church (Kinnaman 192). We cannot fix this by adding more programs or restructuring the church. What we need is a cultural shift. This is especially hard because it is impossible to eradicate judgmental comments and attitudes. The church can, however, focus on what it means to love one another. Passages like 1 Corinthians 13 and Paul’s messages on the importance of showing love in unity (Col. 3:12–14; Eph. 4:1–2; Phil. 2:1–4) are most applicable when we speak to each other, especially for the next generations who are wrestling with faith. Parents play a crucial role in creating a safe space at home where questions about faith can be freely asked without judgment or criticism.
The most significant shift we in leadership can make is not to judge one’s spiritual growth based on how long someone has been a Christian or attended church. What if we would see each person in our churches as unique and growing in Christ differently and at their own pace? What if we slowed down enough to focus on establishing one-on-one relationships and giving youths and new Christians the space to ask questions without judgment?
Then the question ultimately is how can we foster such an environment of open discussion and interaction? Some may come to church Sunday after Sunday and have fundamental questions about Christianity but be afraid to ask at the risk of being humiliated. If the attitude is, “this is such a fundamental question, and you should know it by now,” or “just have more faith,” we are not helping each other grow in the fullness of Christ.
Simply saying just have faith is not enough. The church needs to provide sufficient answers that are thought through. Questions are a good sign that someone wants to learn more about the Christian faith. As such, there are times when ministers, teachers or lay leaders need to slow down and focus on addressing these questions individually. The church can help by addressing doubts about the faith openly. One possibility is regularly hosting sessions where anyone can ask questions about Christianity. Anyone can submit questions anonymously, and the leaders can address them. This way, no one will feel embarrassed for asking any question, and the question will be addressed. This may not be part of a program, but it will tremendously help the individual’s spiritual growth.
We can take this model and apply it directly within a family unit. Parents can ensure that a home is where any questions can be asked and discussed. Children, by nature, will have questions about life and faith. These are great opportunities for teaching, sharing and discipleship in the process. Sometimes it is hard to answer children’s questions, especially if it is busy at home. Parents should not brush these questions aside because they potential talking points for Christianity. And we do not know how addressing a question can impact a child’s spiritual growth. Just as Jesus answered questions from His disciples, may we also do so whenever our children run to us with questions.
Dr. James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, shared how his father left the ministry when he was a young boy. His father was a travelling evangelist. Growing up without a father at home, James became rebellious. One day, his mother called his father during his travels and told him, “I need you” because she couldn’t handle James. His father quit the ministry and came home. They sold their house and moved to South Texas, where his father became a pastor at a local church (Dobson 06:00–7:30).
Dobson’s father was his moral beacon. His father sacrificed his ministry career to raise him. Shouldn’t his father have focused on God’s work as a travelling evangelist? After all, he was bringing in the harvest. His father chose to give up being a prominent travelling evangelist and switched to a pastoral role because he realized James needed him to be present as a father. Had he not done so, Dr. James Dobson would likely be different and not have started Focus on the Family. The takeaway from Dobson’s experience is that no one can replace the father. Parents should take the time to discern and discuss how to support each other while tending to their children and the ministry they are called to.
Puritan pastor Richard Baxter wrote: “[g]et masters of families to do their duty, and they will not only spare you a great deal of labour but will much further the success of your labours” (Thompson 10). Baxter’s advice, written in 1656, is still applicable today. What is the duty of the father, the master of the family? I believe the duty involves discipling his children.
The church has many responsibilities and offers programs to different age groups to meet members’ spiritual needs. The problem arises when the church assumes more than its responsibility and stretches itself to accommodate everyone. We assume having Sunday school will help strengthen the flock by ensuring our children become disciples of Jesus. Unfortunately, it could weaken the flock because parents outsource their responsibility to the church. The key is not to do more programs for children. Rather, the church’s task is to help the flock grow and mature by training parents on discipling in their households as the parents become disciples of Jesus Christ themselves. As the parents are discipled by the church, they, in turn, disciple their children. The church needs to target the parents when it comes to discipling the children.
The church needs to rethink its role in discipleship and emphasize that it is the parent’s responsibility to disciple their children and not the church. Change needs to begin at the top of the church hierarchy, with ministers and lay leaders. Leaders must set an example by discipling their children. They need to carve out time to disciple their children. Leadership buy-in is essential because the rest of the congregation needs to see real-life examples.
In practical terms, we might begin by examining the church budget. Where we spend our money is what we value. Can we invest as much effort and resources in discipling parents as we do in children and youth programs? Even if we reduce the children’s program by 20–30% and reallocate the resources to train parents to disciple their children, this will help encourage parents to do so. Some resources and training include parent mentoring, a discipleship class, or even resources to help parents disciple their children.
This may turn off some parents looking to outsource their children’s training to the church. They may just go down the street and join another church that offers programs for their children without taking responsibility to disciple them. Ultimately the goal is not to produce as many believers as possible.
Instead, we desire to obey the Great Commission by doing our duty as parents in discipling our children.
In the church, we must see beyond attendance numbers. We must learn to be like a farmer sowing seeds. The farmer does not judge success by the number of seeds he plants but by the harvest. Likewise, as pastors, we do not judge our success by the number of children or adults attending our discipleship classes or programs. The harvest is not in attendance in Sunday School. The harvest is when the children grow up and follow Jesus faithfully. In our instant-gratification culture, we want to see instant results. We must continually ask ourselves whether the programs we offer are helping children and youth mature in Christ. If they are not, then we should stop doing those programs.
Families must be encouraged to worship together. Usually, the parents drop the children off at Sunday school while attending adult service. What if a service is dedicated to the family worshipping together? A multi-generation service may be chaotic, with young children running around and babies crying. But I believe this is also a powerful memory for children to grow up knowing that they are worshiping together as a family and reinforcing the idea of parents discipling their children.
Parents must spend time explaining to their children what is happening in the service. They can even discuss the sermon or certain Christian topics that happened in the service. Also, some parents may decide to stay home because they need to care for their children. If the service is for all ages, it encourages them to come and worship at church.
If every family viewed itself as a mini church, I believe the church would be prepared for persecution. As I am writing this, China is already clamping down on Christianity. They started to shut down churches in China (Tai). With the ability to monitor every citizen via their smartphones, China is ensuring that no one will practice Christianity without their approval. Big Brother is always watching.
Revelation warns Christians to expect persecution as the end nears. We may not be persecuted as strictly as believers in China. But one day, it is possible we will be persecuted. We must prepare for persecution by ensuring we know how to worship and study God’s Word regardless of whether there is a church building. One way to prepare is to ensure families know how to worship Jesus regardless of their circumstances. The only way to do so is if parents, especially fathers, can lead worship at home.
Everyone can worship Jesus on any given Sunday, whether there is a physical church or not. The COVID pandemic we experienced in the past two years reminds us that many of us are not ready or able to do so. Many Christians protested when the government restricted religious gatherings to stop the virus from spreading. They cited Hebrews 10:25 to justify the need to gather as a congregation to worship. I am not against fellowship, but we must be flexible and be ready if, one day, our government decides to shut down all churches.
We need to be flexible in thinking about how the church functions. We often think worship on Sunday equates to a church building for service. The service format is usually three worship songs, a sermon, a closing song, and announcements. We view worship on Sunday as descriptive. Yet, the Bible describes worshipping God as prescriptive. There is nowhere in the Bible that says a service must be done in a specific format. The only condition is that when people come together in worship, they must come in an orderly manner (1 Cor. 14:26). If every family makes a conscious effort to disciple their children by treating their own home as a mini church, not only will our children be disciples, but we can learn to worship anywhere and everywhere.