This article is written by my wife, Tam Wai Jia. It is posted at National Family Council (NFC). NFC promotes family matters in Singapore.
All my life, I (Wai Jia) never had a boyfriend. When I was 24, I was certain I would not get married. After all, I was headstrong and fiercely independent. My medical career lay ahead of me, glistening with promise. Why would I want a relationship to get me down? Relationships were sticky, messy even. After all the stories of heartbreak, painful divorces and abuse I heard from friends, I had hardened my heart to any Prince Charming who might get in my way of helping others through medical and humanitarian missions. Being alone was great.
All my life, I (Cliff) never had a steady girlfriend. I was 32, but all the many girls I had liked never seemed to share the same dreams and values I did. When I finally came close to courtship, the girl’s parents violently objected to our relationship. I was heartbroken but understood their concerns. Having survived liver cancer and a liver transplant at the age of ten, they were worried I would leave their daughter widowed at a young age. Never mind that I was healthy enough to have completed an Iron Man event or won several athletic competitions. Perhaps being alone would not be so bad after all.
When our paths crossed, I (Wai Jia) was extremely guarded. What did this man want from me? Surely he would complicate my life. I played hard to get and hoped he would turn his efforts elsewhere. But I (Cliff) persisted. And through the overcoming of seemingly insurmountable odds and what some might call divine intervention, we married in October 2012.
Because of my (Wai Jia) emotional baggage from childhood and my negative impression of marriage, I had entered into marriage full of faith and fear. When we faced conflicts, my mind would spiral into negativity, and a pessimistic voice would confirm: Aha, this is just the beginning of a lifetime of marital conflict and relationship woes. But whenever that happened, I would quell the negativity by sharing them with our marriage mentors, who constantly encouraged us to work through those refining moments. Having the privilege of a husband who is a voracious reader gave us the opportunity to read more marriage books to help us understand each other better. This gave us great insight not only into each other, but the insecurities within us that we often projected onto each other in times of stress and conflict.
What I (Wai Jia) have always admired about Cliff is his courage to take the initiative. When he signed us up for the Marriage Preparation Course, it demonstrated his resolve to make our relationship work. The course was also a platform for us to understand each other’s needs and would help us discern if we were suitable for each other in the long run. Many emotional disasters have been averted and hours of unnecessary arguments avoided.
By getting to know marriage mentors and other couples that have gone through similar situations, we have experienced the benefits of being part of a supportive community of people. Now, six months into our marriage, we are so grateful to be together. Overcoming obstacles such as cancer, long distance and miscommunication was certainly challenging. With the help of marriage mentors, we have had the opportunity to build a strong foundation for our marriage. Our relationship is still a work in progress but we have learnt to see our conflicts as opportunities for growth.
When young people ask us for advice, there is so much we want to say. Often, we direct them back to communities and share with them the wealth of resources that are readily available: marriage books, marriage preparation courses, parents, marriage mentors… the list is endless. investments in each of these areas reap bountiful returns. In the run-up to the Big Day, most couples spend thousands of dollars and burn away many hours planning for their special day. However, how many are willing to invest the same amount of time and emotion into enhancing their marriage, instead of plunging headlong into an elaborate wedding event? For our wedding, we made the decision to channel all the money we received from friends to a charity. We hope to encourage couples to see their union not as an end in itself, but as a potential for them, as a unit, to impact the communities around them in a more powerful way.
Now newly married, we know that a long and exciting journey lies ahead of us. We are honored to journey through it together. Through speaking to youths about healthy relationship values at various platforms, we have also grown closer as a couple, as we share those precious values of love, respect, honor, selflessness and commitment with others.
Marriage is a commitment for a lifetime. Make it count for life.
Commitment in a marriage
· In a long-term relationship, both parties cannot always get their way. Therefore conflicts are bound to occur. View those conflicts as opportunities to learn and grow together as a couple.
· It is perhaps wiser to invest emotionally into preparation for marriage rather than be involved in elaborate wedding events. Most successful relationships occur because both parties invest in the relationship and continue to do so their entire lives.
· A platform, such as the Marriage Preparation Course, provides a couple with an opportunity to understand each other’s needs and values. Communicate constantly!
Source: http://www.nfc.org.sg/Families/Pages/Article.aspx?ItemID=27
