This is based on my experience as a Christian father. So it may not be the same as yours. Also, I don’t tend to state my experience as universal. But I think many Christian fathers struggle with this, especially those who serve in ministry as ministers.
I started as a stay-at-home dad when we moved back to Singapore from Canada (where I grew up) in mid-2019. At that time, my wife had a bond with the government and needed to return to work. We had two little girls (3 months and 2 years old). We explored various options (helpers, daycare, etc.) and felt the Lord was leading me to be a stay-at-home father. Before that, I served as an Assistant Pastor in Canada. I became a stay-at-home dad until mid-2024 when we moved to Tanzania.
When we moved back to Singapore, I wanted to return to ministry. I grew up believing that serving the Lord is everything, including sacrificing time with your family. After all, we are to put God first in everything, right?
I did not want to become a stay-at-home dad. I felt like I was on the sideline while everyone (who happened to be in full-time ministry) was serving the Lord. Looking after my girls and doing house chores was a waste of time. Wasn’t I more useful serving God by working in the mission ministry or preaching and teaching?
There is also a cultural aspect to this as well. In Singapore, a more conservative Asian city-state, the role of a father is to work hard and earn money. The overall belief is that as a father, a man of the household, your job is to take care of your family. In the Chinese context, it is always financial. This means your paycheck will take care of your family. This also permeates into the church. In a way, being a stay-at-home dad is a double whammy. Not only are you not providing financially for your family, but you are also neglecting God’s work by staying home.
Side note: It isn’t wrong to provide for your family, as Paul stated in 1 Timothy 5:8. I notice that as Chinese, we tend to see this as the only function of the father. In other words, an absent father who is a workaholic will still be deemed a good father despite neglecting his children and not having a relationship with them.
However, while praying, I felt the Lord wanted me to become a stay-at-home dad. He taught me that my job as a father is disciple my children. The way to disciple them is to spend time with them. I had a lightbulb moment when I linked looking after them (parenting) to discipleship. I am so thankful for this lesson because I never thought it was my duty as a father to disciple my children before this. I assume they will learn who Jesus is at Sunday School.
At that time, I was finishing up the Master of Divinity (M Div). After much prayer, I felt the Holy Spirit guided me to write on parenting and discipleship. In a way, being a stay-at-home dad became a training ground for me on what it means to be a parent to disciple his children.
In the thesis I wrote for my M Div, I applied the Great Commission to parenting. After all, children do not know Jesus. So, how do we show them who Jesus is? I also focus on how Jesus made disciples and applied the same principles to parenting. It fitted very well.
The Wrestle as a Father
Spiritually and internally, I was doing very well. I discovered that all my time spent looking after my children was not a waste. Instead, every opportunity allows me to show who God is. Since my girls are so small, we don’t have discourses. Instead, I showed them God’s love when I was kind to them. Specifically, interacting with them with the Holy Spirit’s fruits shows God’s love for them.
But I struggle within the Christian community. Often, Christian ministers will ask what I do, and when I share with them, there is not much discussion afterwards. A brother once asked me, ‘What else do you do?’
We tend to separate ministry (working at church or some para-church organisation) from personal living. A Christian is deemed a good worker if he/she is working solely in ministry, regardless of what’s going on in his/her personal life. And we place a high premium on ministry. In short, the only way you labour for the Lord is if you are doing ministry. Anything other than that is not considered labouring for the Lord.
Because Wai Jia has a more prominent ministry (there is nothing wrong with that), I am often seen by others as supporting her. Many will come and congratulate me because I support Wai Jia and they will say, “Oh, Wai Jia has a more prominent ministry than you. So it is better to focus on her.”
Does it rub me the wrong way? Sort of. As much as I enjoy supporting Wai Jia, I am sad to see that they don’t see me as Cliff. They only see me as Wai Jia’s support. I’ve learned that most of us want to be seen as individuals with gifts and talents, and each person should be encouraged to express his/her gifts to their fullest potential to glorify God.
I am not saying I need a platform like Wai Jia’s. After much internal wrestling and speaking with Wai Jia, we both firmly believe that we trust God to open doors for ministry (or not). We do our best not to push doors open.
There is an unhealthy way we look at ministry. We tend to view specific ministries as more prominent than others. For example, preaching at the main Sunday service is a top one. Doing large gatherings or leading worship is another. Meanwhile, serving in children’s ministry or administrative roles is much lower. Since Wai Jia is in speaking ministry, that’s considered the top.
I am not jealous of Wai Jia’s ministry. Whenever she is invited to speak, she asks for my permission, and I always encourage her to do so (if God opens the door). I always believe our role as husbands is to help our wives grow in Christ and help each other build up the gifts God has given us. I told Wai Jia I wanted to encourage her just as I wanted to be encouraged (and she encouraged me!).
Why don’t you ignore the naysayers and stick with what God calls you to do?
If you are still reading, this is a question you may ask. Just stick with what God’s called me to do and be happy. It is true.
When I look back, if I have to do this all over again, I will learn to ignore what everyone else is doing. I can see social media, and when I see everyone I know doing ministry and have nothing to show for it, it is unhealthy. It is true. When I compare less, I will be less depressed. Also, it is not necessary to compare anyway. God judges us for our obedience and faith, not how much we perform.
How did moving to Tanzania change anything (or not)?
In July, we moved to Tanzania for long-term. Wai Jia and I have always had a calling and desire to do long-term missions.
My duty as a father hasn’t changed that much. I still look after the girls and do chores. This doesn’t mean Wai Jia doesn’t do chores haha. Both of us juggle taking care of the girls, the house and day to day living.
But what’s different is that now I am ‘serving’. We are volunteering at a hospital. When people ask me what I am doing here, I tell them I am a mchungaji (Swahili for the pastor). We are missionaries, and we are here to serve.
I also have more opportunities to preach here because there is a lack of preachers in the church we are attending. It feels good not just because I got to preach God’s Words but also because I felt I was needed.
Wrapping it up: Being a father and a minister
I wish, and my aim is that if God sends us back to Singapore, I will be more comfortable being who I am and not be pressured to follow what everyone is doing. My desire is that I will not be so hard on myself for not producing enough or being part of a ministry. I am content with the Lord and the outward expression of that is ministry (whatever that looks like). This is hard because Singaporean/Chinese culture is primarily driven by doing instead of being. It is not impossible but I have to be very mindful and not get caught up.
My stay-at-home dad journey helped me reorient my life, as a father and as a husband. My priority is God, my spouse (Wai Jia), my girls, and my work (ministry). Here, I will often prioritise my family’s needs over doing ministry. I purposely separate my relationship with God and my ministry because they can differ. We assume they are, but they can be different. For example, I serve because I want to be seen as a good Christian. This has nothing to do with worshipping God. It is worshipping (stroking) my ego.
Being a stay-at-home dad taught me that it is my responsibility as a father to show them who God is, and it is not the church to do so.
As an Assistant Pastor in 2019 in Canada, I served in an unhealthy manner. I prioritize church work over Wai Jia and my girls’ needs. And it was a disaster at home and in ministry. I was angry and shouting at home all the time.
From now on, I want to serve out of loving God and support Wai Jia and the girls instead of sacrificing their well-being. To do ministry is a wonderful thing. But sadly, we sometimes treat ministry like work at the expense of our spouses and children.
Being in Tanzania, we discovered a healthier rhythm of life, work, and ministry.