Disclaimer:
This reflection is not written to attack the church or to label leaders as “good” or “bad,” but to thoughtfully examine unhealthy leadership in the church through a pastoral and personal lens. I love the church, and I remain deeply grateful for many faithful pastors and leaders who serve with integrity, humility, and care.
Leadership is complex, and even well-intentioned leaders can cause harm. This post is not about perfection, nor is it meant to stir cynicism or suspicion.
If you have experienced hurt or confusion in church spaces, I want you to know you are not alone, and you are not weak or faithless for feeling this way. My hope is simply to bring clarity, encourage healing, and point us toward healthier, more Christ-like leadership.
I have been a Christian since 2005. Along the way, I have experienced different kinds of church hurt. I’ve seen a senior pastor bully another pastor out of his congregation. I’ve witnessed church splits. And I have personally served under leaders who were unhealthy and toxic in ministry.
I am not writing this to rant or to attack the church. I still love the church. I remain part of it, and I know many faithful pastors and leaders who love God and care deeply for their flocks. But I also feel the need to write about these experiences, because I know I am not the only one who has gone through them. The cynical part of me feels that if you have been a Christian long enough, you will eventually experience some of these church hurts.
If you have experienced something similar, this blog post is for you. It took me a long time to reflect, pray, and journey with Christ to come to this point. I do not enjoy writing about this because it is painful. But I believe it is necessary — because truth brings clarity, and truth sets us free. I am tired of oppressing my emotions or just sweeping these negative experiences under the carpet.
I am writing this to share my story, my hurt, and also the hope I have found in Christ. I can’t say I am completely healed and moving on. Dealing with church hurts comes in cycles. There are days when I am fine and ready to go. Then there are days when I feel frozen (emotionally), unable to take the next step.
Even in the messiness, brokenness and hurt from ministry, I am more determined than ever to be like Jesus. If anyone can change through this experience, it will be me. With that in mind, I want to share one of my own experiences and what I learned through it.
My Experience with Unhealthy Leaders
I once served under a couple in church leadership who never directly told me I was doing anything wrong, yet their comments often left me feeling small and uncertain. There would be remarks like, “Oh, Sunday was pretty bad, huh?” and I’d walk away wondering what I had done wrong, even though nothing was ever explained. Whenever I tried to bring it up, the conversation would shift to something else. Nothing was addressed honestly. It was very frustrating because no matter what I do, I keep getting caught doing the wrong thing.
I oversaw the setup of the Sunday service. Once the leader came over and straightened a tablecloth I was setting up, I spent the rest of the day wondering if this was the issue. I try my best in doing what needs to be done, but if the issue was straightening the tablecloth, that sounded a bit trivial. I still don’t know.
I admit I made mistakes along the way. For those issues, I take full responsibility (and I admit them to the leaders).
When I stepped away from the ministry, there was a public show of appreciation in front of the church for my contributions. But behind the scenes, there was silence and distance. No real conversation. No willingness to talk things through. The next guy was going to take over my role, and the leaders were moving on to keep the ministry going.
Years later, I began hearing similar stories from others. I realised my experience wasn’t unique. There was a pattern, and many people were hurt.
I grew up believing that I had to serve the leaders because they are shepherding the flock (congregation) and my job was to support them to the best that I could (Hebrews 13:17). Sadly, this made it even worse because I tend to overstep my boundaries and hurt myself, my wife and my children in the process. In fact, I had no boundaries. Whatever the leaders needed, I am there, even at the neglect of my wife and children’s needs. Looking back, I admit I probably longed for approval from the leaders more than I really wanted to serve God. That line is so blurry, and it’s hard to tell.
At church, we are told to honour our leaders (Hebrews 13:17), deny ourselves (Matthew 16:17) and follow God. In return, toxic leaders use these verses to keep people in the church or ministry, serving them.
It took prayer, time, and speaking with a Christian counsellor for me to see that the problem was not simply me. I felt the Holy Spirit telling me that the church had issues, and it was not my fault.
Through this, I learned something important. Healthy leaders care more about people than about keeping a ministry running. They don’t treat relationships like transactions. When someone steps away, it isn’t the loss of a worker — it’s a moment to listen, to care, and to remain present. Healthy leaders value people more than programs. They stay relational. They walk with people, even when seasons change. Healthy leaders will not treat you like an enemy if you decide not to be part of their ministry or step away from their ministry.
I’m still learning and healing from this experience. But I share it because honesty matters. Silence doesn’t heal. It only hides what is broken. Telling the truth is not bitterness. It is an act of love — especially for those who may feel alone in similar situations.
A lot of times, we are drawn to ministers with big ministries, or they can be charismatic (charming, not the full-of-the-Holy-Spirit kind). But now, I judge ministers not by how big or polished their ministry is. Rather, I observed whether they exhibit the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) (https://clifftam.com/the-churchs-blind-spot-why-character-matters-more-than-talent/). Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I also observe if the minister’s persona is the same on-stage and off-stage. On stage, in front of the church, they can say one thing. But in person, they can be another. Integrity is important.
Character is way more important than ministry success (https://clifftam.com/2024-reflections/). Afterall, you can be a big ministry without the fruits of the Spirit. On stage, you can ‘play’ the role to get people to get in touch with God. But offstage, they cannot reflect Christ, and no one will speak against them. The excuse is often that they contribute more to the Kingdom of God, and that’s how they are.
Wrapping it up
Over time, I realised something that now feels obvious, but wasn’t then.
We are often drawn to leaders who are gifted, articulate, charismatic, or running impressive ministries. And none of those things is wrong. But they are not the same as a Christlike character.
I’ve learned to pay far less attention to how big or polished a ministry is, and far more attention to the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23). Love. Patience. Gentleness. Self-control. Integrity. Especially when no one is watching.
I also pay attention to whether a leader is the same on stage and off stage. It is possible to lead people into an encounter with God publicly while failing to reflect Christ privately. And when image matters more than honesty, people get hurt.
Looking back, I wish I had language earlier for what I was experiencing. I wish I had known that confusion, fear, and emotional shutdown are not signs of spiritual growth. They are often signs that something is unhealthy.
These reflections are not meant to help us judge or label leaders. They are meant to help us discern. To protect people. To name patterns that quietly wound the body of Christ when left unspoken.
With that in mind, here are some signs I’ve come to recognise—both of unhealthy leadership, and of healthy leadership shaped by the heart of Jesus.
Signs of an Unhealthy Leader
Relational and Emotional
- You often feel like you’re never good enough, but nothing is explained.
- You leave conversations confused, unsettled, or blamed.
- Concerns are avoided or redirected instead of discussed honestly.
- You’re told the problem is your attitude or submission, rather than leadership taking responsibility.
- People who left are quietly distanced and sometimes demonized.
Power and Control
- Fear, guilt, or pressure are used to keep people serving.
- Keeping the ministry running matters more than the volunteers’ health.
- Questioning decisions is seen as disloyal or spiritually weak.
- Loyalty to leaders is emphasized over truth and integrity.
- Leaders appear kind in public, but behave differently in private.
Culture and Patterns
- Many people leave confused or wounded over time.
- Feedback is not welcomed, and difficult topics are avoided.
- Image and reputation matter more than honesty and healing.
- Conflict is never named directly.
- Relationships feel transactional — like your value is tied to your role.
Signs of a Healthy Leader
Relational and Pastoral
- You feel seen and valued as a person, not just as a worker or volunteer.
- Conversations are honest, gentle, and respectful.
- Leaders listen rather than assume your motives.
- They listen to you before telling you what they think (even if they say it is from God).
- If you leave their church or ministry, they respond with care and a sense of relationship.
- They care about who you are, not how useful you are. They want you to grow in Christ, even if you never serve with them again.
Character and Integrity
- They take responsibility when they fail and seek reconciliation.
- Their public and private lives are consistent.
- They care less about optics and more about being real, even when honesty is not polished.
- They don’t use fear, guilt, or pressure to maintain authority.
- They point people toward Jesus, not toward themselves.
Community and Culture
- Questions and feedback are welcome.
- Truth is spoken in love, not shame.
- People matter more than programs or outcomes.
- Transparency matters more than image.
- The church becomes a safer and more honest place because of how they lead.
Healthy leaders create environments where people grow in freedom, truth, and love. My hope is that the church will continue becoming that kind of place.
