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Role of the Father In Discipleship
In the Epistle to the Ephesians, Paul wrote a specific instruction to fathers regarding discipling their children: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). The Greek word father is the same word used in Matthew 4:21 and Matthew 4:22 when it described James and John and Peter and Andrew leaving their fathers to follow Jesus. The same word describes Timothy’s father in Act 16:1. Jesus used father to describe God as our heavenly Father, especially in the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5:45, 48).
God can relate to us in many ways and with different titles. Yet, He chooses to relate to us based on our relationship with our father. How our earthly father treated us profoundly impacts our understanding of who our heavenly Father is. Bailey expounds on this in the commentary on Ephesians, The Soldiers for Christ. In Ephesians 1:3, he wrote that our earthly father affects our perception of God (Bailey, Soldiers for Christ 19). Bailey had a wonderful father who was very affectionate. He recalled his father took care of him when he had an earache by cupping his hands over his ear to keep it warm (Bailey, Soldiers for Christ 20). Bailey was able to connect God’s love through his father’s care. One point to highlight in this example is that Bailey’s father did nothing extraordinary to show love and care. The ordinary act of his father, done out of love, touched Bailey’s heart.
Parents impose strict rules and regulations to show their children that following Jesus is a serious matter. Parents must take care not to err in showing their children who Jesus is by going to one extreme or another. On one end, parents will have their children memorize many Bible verses and doctrines for them and equate that with the love of God. Children may then grow up with a strict sense of rules and regulations that can deter them from following Jesus. With a desire to love God and for our children to be zealous for God, we inadvertently become pharisaical, creating human traditions and treating them as God’s ways. In his commentary on Colossians and Philemon, Bailey reminded readers, especially fathers, not to put any more rules beyond what God expects of them (Colossians and Philemon 171). Doing so discourages children. Too many burdens rob them of the joy of the Lord.
The other extreme is to give up. Some parents consider it too hard to disciple their children, give up, and pass on the responsibility to the church. They rationalize that they don’t have time, or lack the creativity or the resources. Bailey’s father didn’t lecture him on preventing illness or attempt to make a point with a Bible story. His father did the practical thing. He cupped Bailey’s ear to keep it warm.
The crucial ingredient in discipling children is showing God’s love in genuine and practical ways. Many believers have difficulty comprehending that God loves them because their earthly fathers did not. If this is true, then the reverse is also true. Fathers can show God’s love by showing their children love and care.
If you ask most kids, do your parents love you? They will say yes without hesitation. Bettis suggests asking the child this question, “[d]o your parents like you?” (49). This is biblical, as our heavenly Father delights in us (Psalm 147:11). This question digs deeper to see whether your child feels your love for her.
When we talk about love, we often think with our heads instead of our hearts. Parents will say they love their children because they are their kids. This is a logical assumption. Since love is a feeling, we can’t just accept it logically or theoretically, but we must live it and feel the warmth of love. Children are the same. They may know in their head that their parents love them. But the key is knowing it in their heart. When children know their parents love them, they will see their parents delight in them. This requires that children have fond experiences with their parents, especially their fathers. Fond experiences require parents to spend time with their children.
We can’t assume just because we say we love our children that, our children automatically feel love. For example, it is common for Asian fathers to work long hours. They justify their work mentality because they want to show their children love by providing them with a better education and life. However, the children feel neglected because the father is never home to spend time with them. This doesn’t apply only to work. The father can spend too much time on ministry, sports, or entertainment and neglect to spend time with his children.
Bettis’s question breaks the assumption that our children know their father loves them. We must ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth to us. For fathers, have there been times when you have not shown love to your children, and they were hurt in the process? I ask myself, have there been times when I forced my children to do things because I had authority over them and did not act out of love? Have there been times I provoked my children because I teased them too much?
We can show our children whom our heavenly Father is by being affectionate to them. This means that every day, every interaction I have with my kids is an opportunity to show them who God is. This is a high calling because I can go through daily without focusing on this. My kids won’t complain because they don’t know any better. The best part is that we can all do this since no requirements or specific expertise is required. Kids are attracted to cartoons, toys, or other entertainment as they grow older. But the parents’ love is so intangible and valuable that we can all impart it. Every parent, especially the father, must figure out how they can show the love of God to their children in the most tangible ways.
In the Parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15, God is portrayed as the father. Jesus used an earthly father as an analogy for God. Both sons in the parable were rebellious. The younger rebelled outwardly by asking for his inheritance and squandering it all. The older brother rebelled inwardly by refusing to return to the house upon the younger son’s return. Yet, the father was kind and affectionate to both sons. This is a good reminder for fathers to be gentle to their children, even when they are rebellious and ungrateful. Whenever I am angry at my children, I am reminded that I was once the younger or, the older brother. Yet, God did not show anger toward me. Instead, He was like the father in the parable, showing me grace and kindness.
The father in this parable is a role model for all fathers. We may not have an earthly father who treated us with warmth and affection. We may have fathers who abandoned or hurt us. But we can renew our minds and ask the Holy Spirit to help us change. As a father, I am the head of the household and responsible for many things. Whether working to sustain the family or paying bills and ensuring the house is running, fathers have many decisions calling for their attention. I understand how hard it is to focus on discipling. But I want to argue that discipling is more important than keeping things running. Training our children needs to be our top priority. We must ask ourselves every morning: “how can I show my children the love of our heavenly Father?”
Pastor John and Pastor Cameron noted that the mother is usually the parent who cares about the spiritual welfare of their children more than the father. When asked why, Pastor Cameron suggested that perhaps the father, knowing he does not desire to follow Jesus, doesn’t want to be seen as a hypocrite in front of his children (Walcott). Pastor John said that the father might have had a poor father figure himself (Mah). This is only an observation from two pastors’ experience, and as parents, we need to be mindful that the father does have a role to play in discipling his children.
Most commentaries and books generalize the command in Ephesians 6:4 to both parents and not strictly to the father. I believe this is a mistake because the father may misinterpret this verse and inadvertently delegate the responsibility of parenting and discipling to the mother since mothers are often more nurturing and caring. Tripp interprets this verse as God’s command to both parents, who must function on God’s behalf (46). Frisk also interprets this verse for both parents. She reminds parents not to push their kids’ buttons (Frisk 100). Frisk emphasizes that parents’ actions are just as necessary as words. When we tell our children we love them, we must show that we mean it. We must do this consistently, especially in stressful moments or in joy. We can’t just assume our kids know we love them, and we must tell them at every stage of their lives. To show love to our children, Frisk points out that we must show them we value our relationship with them. It is easy to assume that the relationship with our children is always there. A relationship requires an investment of time and effort. As parents, we must be careful not to put our ministry or career ahead of our children’s needs.
Turansky and Miller used Ephesians 6:4 to distinguish between punishment and discipline (94). They interpret this verse as what not to do in relating with children, which is the negative of provoking children. From their point of view, discipline is not just about getting rid of bad behaviours, but it is showing children a better way to live. Fathers need to focus on the positive, which will bring their children to walk in the way of the Lord. Thompson also focuses on fathers in interpreting Ephesians 6:4. He cautions fathers not to discipline their children too hard. Thompson relates this verse with Colossians 3:21 and warns that if the father is too strict, he discourages the children (94).
In Ephesians: An Introduction and Commentary, Foulkes interpreted Ephesians 6:4 as “…probably when the word Fathers is used, both parents are in mind” (169). He then compared Ephesians 6:4 with Hebrews 11:23. In Hebrews 11:23, the same Greek word, patēr, is translated to parents: “By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden three months by his parents [emphasis mine], because they saw he was a beautiful child; and they were not afraid of the king’s command.” In the New Testament, patēr is used 419 times (G3962). Four hundred fifteen times, it is translated as father or fathers. Only one time is it translated as parents, found in Hebrews 11:23. With more than 99% of patēr in the Bible translated as the father, I disagree with Foulkes interpretation. Ephesians 6:4 should be a command for the father, not for both parents.
Father as the prime discipler in the family should not be surprising. After all, the husband is the spiritual leader and is given the authority over the wife (Bailey, Soldiers for Christ 155). The husband’s duty is to love his wife the way Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25). Shouldn’t the spiritual leader lead in discipling his family, especially his children?
Vern L. Bengtson studied how faith is transmitted from one generation to the next. He published the results in Families and Faith: How Religion is Passed Down Across Generations. Bengtson hypothesized that because the USA has undergone substantial changes in social, economic, and technological areas in the past fifty years, faith would be less likely to be passed down between generations (vii). Bengtson’s research studied four generations of Americans who subscribed to one of the four main religions in the USA: Jewish, Catholic, Protestant and Mormon. He interviewed and surveyed grandparents, parents, children, and grandchildren. He interviewed children who changed faith from their parents and those who returned to the faith. He asked hard questions to try and find common threads.
Based on his data, Bengtson concluded that when the father is warm and affectionate to his children, the chances of the faith being passed down to the next generation are higher than when the mother is affectionate to their children (76). This study confirms Paul’s focus on fathers in Ephesians 6:4. Bengtson‘s secular study strengthens the need to focus on the parents as the primary disciplers for their children. In addition, the father plays a key role in showing his children God’s love by being warm to them and desiring that his children become Jesus’s disciples.
Though my thesis focuses on two generations: parents and children, the study suggested that the parent-child relationship can reach the third and fourth generations (Bengtson 98). It reinforces what I wrote earlier: we are not just discipling one generation as parents. We are leaving a legacy to the third and the fourth generation. Bengtson noted that the great-grandparents’ and grandparents’ importance influences the next generations. In the study, Bengtson observed four generations attending the same church (82). Tripp recalled a family he visited where five generations have kept the faith, and they are in the process of passing it to the sixth generation (23). He shared that “[t]he family was alive and vibrant” (Tripp 23). Is there a better legacy than a family tree that establishes deep roots in the faith and flourishes for generations?
Role of the Mother
What about the role of the mother? In Proverbs 1:8, David reminded Solomon not to neglect his mother’s teaching. Bathsheba played a role in raising Solomon to follow God. As a mother, Bathsheba helped Solomon to obtain the throne. In 1 Kings 1, when David was very old, Adonijah took the throne for himself (1 Kings 1:5). He did not ask or consult with his father, David because he knew that the rightful heir to the throne was Solomon. Therefore, Adonijah didn’t invite Solomon when he sacrificed animals (1 Kings 1:10). How did Solomon get the throne in the end? Bathsheba took the initiative to speak to David (1 Kings 1:17–21). In this example, we see the importance of the mother to the children’s future. The mother, along with the father, is to protect and encourage the child to walk in the ways of the Lord.
Pastor Cameron and Pastor John noticed that mothers are generally more concerned about their children’s spiritual welfare than fathers. What is ideal is that both parents are involved in discipling their children. Unfortunately, when the father is not as interested, the mother takes on the primary role. So, we see that the mother has an important role to play as well in ensuring that her children will come to know Jesus.
In my interview with Pastor John, he mentioned that the contemporary church is designed for females. He says, “[t]he church is too lavender and flowers. We don’t expect guys with beards to come” (Mah). He also added that the men’s ministry in the church fails to attract men. Lastly, he said that men are poor fathers because most of them do not have good father figures to begin with. One area we can address this at church is to help fathers to understand their role as the head of the household and to disciple their children.
Most fathers do not think spending time with kids, let alone discipling them, is manly. Many prefer to take on ministry than spend time with their children. Unfortunately, this is costly for their children. When Pastor John was a youth pastor, he conversed with a girl who wished her father would take her to ice cream (Mah). The father was a church leader and was too busy in ministry to spend time with his children. Pastor John observed that it would be more beneficial for some leaders to spend more time at home with their children than in ministry.
The Role of Marriage in Parenting
Finally, a word about the role of marriage. The relationship between the father and the mother is crucial to the parents’ discipling task. In a healthy marriage, the relationship between husband and wife comes before their relationship with the children. The home is where the child learns how the family functions. Children growing up in the home will see how marriage functions, whether good or bad. Parents need to ensure their marriage is healthy. The common issues between couples are communication and dealing with conflict. Unless the couple dedicates time to strengthening the marriage, the children will suffer from lousy communication skills or an inability to resolve conflict and the negative behaviours they will adopt from growing up in an unhealthy environment at home.
I tend to freeze and avoid conflicts because that is how my parents deal with conflict. In my wife’s family, conflict was resolved with a heated argument. As such, she is more confrontational. Both of us realize that the style of conflict management our parents raised us with is not healthy. But had we not been aware of it through the Holy Spirit prompting us to change in the past years, we would continue to follow these sinful behaviours from our parents because it appears to work. Had we continued to do so, our children would inherit them because that’s what they grow up with at home. By God’s grace, the struggle we had in Canada when I was an Executive Pastor brought these sinful patterns to the surface in our lives. It was only then that we realized we needed to deal with them.
As an Executive Pastor at LifeHouse, I was serving out of fear of men and trying to get my leaders’ approval. At that time, my wife was suffering from prenatal depression while caring for my firstborn, who had just entered the toddler stage and often threw tantrums. Despite these issues at home, I felt my wife owed me. After all, I put my study aside to care for my daughter when my wife pursued her Master of Public Health degree. Now, it was time for her to do the same for me. Because of my need to earn approval from my leaders, I blamed my wife for not supporting me in ministry by taking care of our firstborn and herself. I’ve since learned that if I ever say, why can’t you give me time to serve, it is unhealthy and hurtful for our marriage. In addition, I was basing my value and identity on my leaders’ approval. Though I told myself I was serving God. In my heart, I was trying to gain my leaders’ approval. Whenever they critiqued me, I became angry and depressed. Had I truly been serving God, I wouldn’t have these negative emotions even when the leaders critique me.
When I was at LifeHouse, I was frustrated because I could never do enough at home or church. My faulty belief in doing ministry to impress church leaders clouded my judgement, especially in how I handled my life at home. In addition, I was not there to help my wife when she needed help the most. As a result, our marriage deteriorated, and my performance in ministry suffered. Our children also suffered when I fought with Wai Jia, and my firstborn witnessed it. She cried uncontrollably whenever we fought.
After returning to Singapore in 2019, the Holy Spirit revealed my shortcomings during counselling. I had an unhealthy desire to please others, which drove me to work hard in ministry. This is just like Pete Scazzero. Doing ministry to earn my leaders’ approval is rooted in fear of man. The reality is that no matter how hard I work to earn approval, I will never be satisfied. The Holy Spirit also showed me that I could have walked away from serving as an Executive Pastor. As new parents, we didn’t realize how much attention a toddler needs. My wife and my daughter needed me at home. Wouldn’t it be better if I stepped down from being an Executive Pastor and spent it with the family? It would have been better. Unfortunately, at that time, I was so caught up in trying to earn approval from my leaders that it was inconceivable to consider stepping down.
My season as an Executive Pastor at LifeHouse taught me a very important lesson about prioritizing our marriage. We should see our serving capacity as an outflow from a strong marriage and a loving family. This is vital because many ministers have a great ministry, but their marriage or family life is broken. The goal for a minister is not only a successful ministry but also a healthy marriage where both ministry and marriage thrive. Lastly, the minister’s marriage and family life are to be an example for the flock. As such, I learned to prioritize my life with my relationship with God first, then my marriage. The third is my children and then ministry or work.
Single Parents
While I focus on nuclear families, given today’s high divorce rate, single-parent families are prevalent. What about them? What about families with absent fathers or mothers?
As I said before, God is a God who restores family and relationships. Even though I’ve spent a considerable effort promoting the importance of a father, God’s grace is sufficient for single-parent families. A single mother can apply the same principle for both father and mother as she disciples her children. The good news is that God desires our children to know who He is. With this in mind, we don’t need to be discouraged because the Holy Spirit is there to help us. I may not be a single parent, but I understand the challenge of raising children alone. This is an area where the church can help. Families can adopt a single-parent family to help take care of one another.
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