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Scripture reveals that parents’ spiritual nature is passed on to the next generation. These values can be either good or bad. Sin, for example, entered through Adam, the first man, by disobeying God in eating from the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil (Rom. 5:12). Since then, sinful nature has been passed down from generation to generation.
When Abram and Sarai were in Egypt, Abram told Sarai deceive the Egyptians into thinking they are siblings (Gen. 12:13). Abram was scared that the Egyptians would kill him because he was Sarai’s husband. In Genesis 26:7, Isaac, Abraham’s son, repeated the same offence. He told Rebekah to lie to the Philistines that he was her brother (Gen. 26:7). Isaac told Rebekah to lie for the same reason as Abram told Sarai to lie, fear of losing his life. The Bible does not tell whether Abraham told Isaac about the lying incident. But it doesn’t matter because the principle is still valid. The sinful nature of one generation is passed down to the next. As a result of sin, our world is filled with dysfunctional families. From Jacob stealing Esau’s blessing, orchestrated by their mother, Rebecca, to Joseph’s brothers selling him to slavery because of jealousy, family relationships are broken. We can see this throughout Genesis and the rest of the Bible.
In recent years, as my wife and I counselled others with family issues and reflected on our background, we realized that the cause of many issues and pain is due to dysfunctional families. The reality is that we all inherit the fallen nature of man. Pete Scazzero, the founder of the Emotionally Healthy Discipleship ministry, said, “Jesus may be in your hearts, but grandpa lives in your bones” (The Emotionally Healthy Leader 72). It is not an easy task to confront and admit our sins. Because we are Christians, we have the power through the Holy Spirit to change our inner nature so that we no longer follow our ancestors’ sinful patterns.
Scazzero grew up in a non-Christian family where he and his siblings were expected to bring joy to their mom. As a result, he developed a pattern of pleasing others. When he became a Christian, this brokenness of pleasing others naturally drew him to ministry. He and his wife, Geri, had a terrible marriage because he neglected her needs for the sake of ministry. Once, when Geri told him that she would visit her parents and he was to stay behind and look after the church, his first thought wasn’t about meeting her needs (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality 40). Instead, he worried about looking bad before his church members. It took many years of reflection before he realized how he led his family was not biblical. Instead, he was following the patterns of his parents and grandparents. Pete and Geri were frustrated at seeing members in their church not transformed (“Community Temperature Reading” 0:55). This led the Scazzeros to write the book Spiritual Emotionally Healthy Church: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature.
Just because we are not intentionally discipling our children doesn’t mean we are not discipling them. Our children will absorb our values and our actions by default. They are like sponges. They will soak up what happens at home, whether good or bad. We must be mindful of how we live. I believe our true spirituality is what happens when we are at home. I can be seen as a good Christian at church. However, when I raise my voice at home because I am angry and frustrated, I realize there are areas in my life that are still immature spiritually.
If we are not conscious and still have dysfunctional behaviours from our parents and grandparents, our children will perpetuate the sinful nature we inherited from our ancestors. Before Wai Jia and I were married, we discussed our upbringing and our parents’ marriages. At that time, I proudly admitted that my parents had a great marriage because I had never seen them fight. It was only recently, after nine years of marriage, that I realized the reason they never fought was that they avoided conflicts. I remembered my father’s tendency to withdraw from any form of confrontation. I have never seen my father confront a problem. But I have seen him explode in anger from time to time. As a result, my tendency to deal with conflict is avoidance. Also, I tend to explode in anger from time to time.
It was only last year I realized that I also inherited this approach to handling conflict. We have a practice of discussing our marriage once a week. Whenever we talk, I insist I have no problems. However, I will explode in anger after a few weeks. When I am angry, I bring out all the issues I should have brought up during our weekly talk. Why am I like this? Because this unhealthy pattern was in my father. Now, I inherited it.
In the same way, when my father withdrew from conflicts, I did the same thing. This is not healthy and not biblical. Jesus said that if you see a brother sinning, you should tell him (Matt. 18:15). I may not recall any specific incidents, but I am not surprised if I ignore a brother’s sin because I wanted to avoid conflict. I do not want my kids to inherit this behaviour. As a result, I need to overcome this tendency by taking the initiative in dealing with issues and being proactive in approaching others. This includes speaking up in a loving manner. This starts at home, where I confront Wai Jia or my children if any issues arise.
Another dysfunctional pattern I inherited from my parents is the desire to please others. I tend to do everything possible not to rock the boat. I noticed when it comes to confrontation; I will withdraw and, worst, freeze and not respond. When I dug deeper, I realized I was afraid of rejection from others. This is rooted in fear of man. I had a horrible experience serving as an Executive Pastor in Canada between 2019 and 2020. I tried to please my leaders. No matter what I did, I was criticized. Unfortunately, their critiques led me to bitterness and anger at home. As a result, Wai Jia and the girls suffered from my tyranny and disgruntled attitude whenever I felt rejected by my church leaders.
It wasn’t until we returned to Singapore that God revealed the root issue. I realized that issues at that church affected how the senior leaders responded to me. The Holy Spirit also revealed that this desire to please others was rooted in my childhood. We moved a lot when I was young. As a result, I did not have many friends. These negative childhood experiences and my parent’s propensity to please others created in me a huge desire to please others at all costs, even overlooking the needs of my wife and children.
This is not fear of the Lord but the fear of people. And if my children grow up seeing me trying to please others to avoid conflict, they will follow suit. I am learning not to follow these ancestral patterns and to be courageous in obeying the Lord despite what others may think. The good news is that through Jesus, we can change, and we do not have to repeat the sinful nature of our ancestors. Through the Holy Spirit, we can stop this sinful nature from perpetuating in our generation and beyond by God’s grace. If we desire to be mature in Christ, we must deal with these little foxes in our lives.
When Culture Dictates Our Parenting Style
Our culture can influence our parenting style more than the Bible. Unconsciously, we copy our parenting style from our parents and our culture. Our parents might still follow the world’s ways even if we are raised in a Christian home. For example, the Western world condones spanking a child. The rationale is that it will damage the relationship between the child and the parent. Yet, the Bible states that we should spank our children and do so because we love them (Prov. 13:24). As such, many of my Canadian friends don’t discipline their children with spanking. They view it as unnecessary and hurtful.
Some parents may avoid spanking because their parents spanked them in anger, not out of love. I had a conversation with a father of two about spanking. He didn’t want to spank his children because his parents spanked him when they were angry. He said he only wanted to spank his children when angry. His rationale is correct. Parents should not spank their children out of anger, even when they are tempted to do so. However, by doing so, he avoided spanking altogether. I reminded him that God disciplines us out of love, and we should do the same for our children (Heb. 12:6). We will look at the biblical view of spanking in the section, The Old Testament Guide to Parenting.
In Singapore, the culture values meritocracy and work performance. Since work is strongly tied to one’s identity in Singapore, raising children is not worthwhile as it takes away time to work and to be productive. As a result, children are outsourced to a helper or daycare because both parents work endlessly to climb the corporate ladder. Unfortunately, one side-effect of young children spending so many hours in daycare is that they often cling to their daycare provider rather than their parents since both parents work and rarely spend time with them. This practice of placing children in the care of others for extended hours infiltrated the church as well. Female ministers often go back to ministry quickly after giving birth. Newborns need their mothers. The bonding of parent and child is vital to building a relationship that imitates the love of God. Because working is highly valued in Singapore, ministry needs often are a higher priority than the needs of the spouse and the children.
In North America, sports and entertainment are strong idols. Pastor Cameron and John agreed that sports are often valued above church and serving. Parents will drive their children around the country to play sports. As a result, discipleship is neglected as it is not prioritized in the family. As Christians, we must discern which cultural norms we inherit from our parents and surroundings. We do not adhere to values that are not compatible with the Bible. To live against the cultural values we grew up with is hard because these values are often ingrained in our society and sometimes even in the church. Even though Pastor Cameron is an American and loves sports, he learned to place God first as a child. His parents went to church services on Wednesday when he was growing up, even though they had already gone on Sunday. By attending church services instead of playing sports, Pastor Cameron grew up in a family where he witnessed how his parents prioritized serving God above everything else.
Sports, music, and other entertainment can be a massive barrier to discipling children because it is part of the cultural norm. In Disciple-Making Parents, Bettis asks parents to consider whether they are overly involved with sports during the weekend (243). Thompson observed that many Christian parents would have no problem sending their children to a sporting event on Sunday instead of going to church.
According to Pastor John, although Asians and Caucasians value different things, they share a tendency to neglect or minimize the value of their and their children’s discipleship. Asians tend to focus on education, career advancement, and making money. Money is especially an idol in Chinese culture. Chinese has an idol known as the god of wealth (“Caishen”). Caucasians may not have such idols, but their idol is in athletic achievement as young children are enrolled in sports. Education and athletics are not bad in themselves, but they become idols when we value them above a vibrant relationship with Jesus. Asians also prioritize academic achievements over following Jesus.
I spoke with a young man who volunteered at Sunday school in Singapore. He taught in a class of eleven and twelve-year-old. In Singapore, the kid in his class must take the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE). This exam determines the secondary school the Singaporean youths will attend, which determines their university and, ultimately, their career. The young man told me that 40% of youths stopped attending Sunday school in the months before PSLE. When he asked them why they were away, they told him their parents wanted them to study more. He also asked them if it was right to skip church on Sunday to study. Many replied that it was not right. This may be more anecdotal than data-driven, but there is a grain of truth in this conversation that cultural values can take precedence over biblical values. In this case, parents feel it is more important to achieve good grades to get into a good school than to worship Jesus on Sunday. We can replace studying with other things in life that precede the church. It can be sports, music, or entertainment. As much as we say God is our priority, where we spend our time and what we engage in reveals our heart’s desire.
Of course, this doesn’t just happen in Singapore. We are susceptible to living out cultural values contrary to the Bible worldwide. Like many decisions in life, we must come before God and let the Holy Spirit guide us. One important lesson I’ve learned as a parent is that I should never assume what others are doing is the right choice for my family. If I ever find myself saying, “everyone’s doing it,” or “that’s how I was raised,” I am open to following the world’s way of raising my children without realizing it.
Restoration of family through God
Isaac and Rebekah were one of the most dysfunctional couples in the Bible. While it was clear God brought them together, as parents, they favoured one child over another. Rebekah loved Jacob and Isaac loved Esau (Gen. 25:28). This fueled the sibling rivalry between Esau and Jacob. First, Jacob stole Esau’s birthright over a bowl of soup. One can argue that Esau did not care much about his birthright, and it was his fault for giving it away. However, Jacob was also responsible as he actively asked for Esau’s birthright. Of course, Rebekah favouring Jacob over Esau and helping Jacob steal Esau’s blessing didn’t help. Esau and Jacob just followed what their parents were doing.
Here is an example of how one generation’s sins are multiplied and passed to the next generation. In this case, it is parental favouritism. Because of parental favouritism from their parents, Isaac and Rebekah and their children, Jacob and Esau, learned that they had to fight each other to get their parent’s approval and blessings. This caused a rift between the brothers to such an extent that they became enemies. In later years, the sins of parental favouritism continued as Jacob gave a special robe to Joseph (Gen. 37:3). As a result, Joseph’s brothers were jealous because Jacob loved Joseph more than them.
When someone encounters God, not only does God restore the person to Him, but God also restores the relationship in that person’s family. After Jacob wrestled with God, he faced Esau. Jacob divided his family into two groups so that if Esau attacked one group, the other could escape (Gen 32:8). He put himself in the last group to spare himself. He prayed to God for Esau to show him mercy (Gen 32:11). By the time Jacob faced Esau, Jacob had nowhere to run. Not only did he have his children and wives with him, but he was also limping. He couldn’t make a quick getaway. Jacob had no choice but to face Esau.
What happened next must not be what Jacob had expected. Esau did not want to kill Jacob. Esau didn’t even want to accept Jacob’s gifts. It is not coincidental that Jacob and Esau’s relationship is restored after Jacob wrestled with God. After all, God was the one who told Jacob to leave Laban and to return to where Esau was staying (Gen. 31:13). God could have told Jacob to go anywhere. Why go back to Esau?
What did Jacob do to restore the relationship with Esau? Nothing. Jacob could never repay Esau for stealing his blessings. Jacob could not imagine Esau showing him kindness. By the time Esau and Jacob met, Esau was not angry with Jacob for stealing his birthright and firstborn blessings. Esau told Jacob that God had also blessed him (Gen 33:9). The lives of Jacob and Esau illustrated how God can restore a dysfunctional family.
The concept of God restoring dysfunctional family relationships is nothing new. In Malachi 4:6, the Lord said He would “…turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.” God is aware of the brokenness in families and how sin perpetuates from one generation to another. When God restored someone, he restored the individual to God Himself and broken relationships in that individual’s family.
Bailey observes this truth in the Studies in the Lives of David and Solomon. In discussing the origin of personal “Goliaths,” Bailey points to family bondages. Family bondages pass from one generation to the next. Bailey recalled listening to a grandmother who witnessed a specific sin passed down from her generation to her granddaughter. The grandmother cried out, “[o]h, it’s got to stop! It must not go any further into another generation” (Bailey, David and Solomon 24). The grandmother saw the sin of her family in her granddaughter and was disgusted by it. Unless one generation intentionally breaks these spiritual Goliaths, these sinful natures will pass on.
After David defeated Goliath, Israel could subdue all the other Goliaths (Bailey, David and Solomon 25). A similar principle applies when dealing with generational sins. Once a generation overcomes a sin, it will not flow down to the next generation. Sins flow through each of us from our family since all of us come from dysfunctional families through Adam. The good news is that through Jesus, we don’t have to perpetuate the brokenness we inherit from our ancestors to our children. Through the Holy Spirit, He restores us and renews us.
In the case of Timothy, we see God’s blessings were passed from one generation to the next. In 2 Timothy 1:5, Paul wrote to Timothy to remind him of his faith which originated from his grandmother Lois and his mother, Eunice. Because of Lois’s dedication to disciple Eunice, the faith was passed down to Timothy.
The Old Testament Guide to Parenting
I assume if my children go through a specific class or a program, they will come to know the Lord. It may be true that God works in all things, including Sunday school or a church program. However, I advocate using day-to-day interactions between parents and children as the best way to teach our children about Jesus. Sunday school is only an hour a week. It is minor compared to the time parents spend living with their children daily.
Children who grow up in a Christian family will have questions about faith and how Christians practice the faith. Why do we pray before a meal? Why do we celebrate Christmas or Easter? How do we hear God? Parents must explain to their children why Christians do all these things, or the children will not understand why. In Deuteronomy 6:20, God told Moses to instruct the parents to explain to their children that these commands and laws remind them how God used signs and wonders to bring them out of slavery in Egypt. Frisk also used this verse to reason why we should disciple our children at home. She linked the repetitious teaching in Deuteronomy 6 as essential for children to learn about faith because early childhood educators know that repetition is an effective way to teach children. The first church the child is exposed to is at home (Frisk 29). Not only does a child discover who God is at home, it is his first experience participating in a church.
God’s plan for parents, not institutions, to teach their children is found in Deuteronomy 6:6-9:
And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 (NKJV)
The commands and ordinances that Moses spoke of are for future generations. The parent is responsible for teaching the children God’s commands and the meaning behind those commands.
God didn’t ask the Israelites to raise teachers to teach children in classes. Granted, the Israelites brought their children with them when the adults read the Law and the commandments (Deut. 31:12, Josh. 8:35). In the New Testament, there were rabbinic schools, like the one in Ephesus known as Tyrannus, in Jesus’s times (Bailey, Teachers of Righteousness 74). Teaching was done at home because most Israelites were not literate (Frisk 29). In addition, teaching children at home allowed them to ask parents to answer their questions in a one-on-one setting, something that is not as easily done in the public setting of a classroom.
In Deuteronomy 6:7, Moses instructed parents to teach their children about the Law and the commandments. Parents were to teach them when they were sitting down, walking by the way, lying down and getting up—in other words—in the ordinary activities of daily life. Here we uncover God’s method of discipling children in everyday family living. I will expand on this in Part 2: The Everyday Conversations.
In this section, I want to highlight the importance of the ordinary. We tend to think we need an elaborate program or method to teach our children. God made it simple and clear. Teaching comes from the parents engaged with their children in everyday activities. For me, this is great because I am not natural with children. Just because I am not good with children doesn’t mean I can’t disciple them. I can do so when I do ordinary tasks with them, like running errands, dressing them, and putting them to sleep.
David, Bathsheba and Solomon
David, Bathsheba, and Solomon are Old Testament examples of how parents discipled children. David and Bathsheba spent considerable time teaching Solomon to walk in the ways of the Lord. The instructions are found in the first nine chapters of Proverbs (Bailey, Wisdom Literature 11). If there is a parenting manual in the Bible, this is it. Even though David is the author of these proverbs, Proverbs 1:8 indicates Bathsheba has a role to play.
We find several themes in the opening chapters of Proverbs. The importance of seeking wisdom and fleeing evil is repeated in Proverbs 1:33, 4:5, and chapter two. Proverbs chapter nine compares wisdom and folly. The key is that wisdom leads to life and folly to death. However, one needs discernment as wisdom and folly look similar as they both have a seat at the city’s highest point (Proverbs 9:3, 14).
Because of his parents’ repeated focus on the importance of seeking wisdom, Solomon grasped it. When God appeared to Solomon in a dream and asked him what he wanted, Solomon asked for wisdom (1 Kings 3:6). Solomon’s answer pleased God. God rewarded him with riches and honour (1 Kings 3:13). In the same way David and Bathsheba instructed Solomon, contemporary parents need to instruct children on how to walk in the ways of the Lord and avoid the ways of folly. David had firsthand experience with both. David trusted in God’s way and never relied on his strength or army to win battles (Psalm 20:7). Despite many military victories, David continued to seek the Lord instead of trusting in himself.
In 2 Samuel 5, David became king of Israel and battled the Philistines twice. In both cases, David inquired of the Lord before going to battle. It wasn’t because David was inexperienced. David knew how to fight. He defeated Goliath and won many battles against the Philistines. David could rely on his experience to fight but he chose to put his faith in the Lord to bring victory and not in chariots or horses (Psalm 20:6–7).
David wrote Psalm 37 in his old age, contrasting the wicked in prosperity while the righteous suffer (Bailey, Psalms 1: 277). In this Psalm, David compared the wicked to one who is “…spreading himself like a native green tree” (Psalm 37:35b). Yet, in the next verse, the wicked man was gone (Psalm 37:36). He also witnessed the folly of those who refused to seek the Lord and follow Him. Saul is an example of such a person. Despite being Israel’s king and anointed by Samuel, Saul disobeyed the Lord and became a fool by rebelling against God. If one is not careful, he may think it is wise to follow the wicked because he prospers. At the height of Saul’s career as king, he spread himself like a native tree even though God rejected him. This psalm is a warning that chasing folly ultimately ends in destruction.
The other teachings David imparted to his son included trusting Him (Prov 3:6), fearing Him (Prov 3:7), honouring Him (Prov 3:9) and receiving discipline from Him (Prov 3:11). There were many situations in David’s life where he could trust his strength. After all, he was an experienced warrior. Yet before every battle, David would seek God and trust His advice. David trusted God’s strategy more than his skills and experience. One Chronicles 14 recounted battles where David repeatedly defeated the Philistines. Instead of trusting the strategy God gave him before, David always asked God what to do (1 Chron. 14:10, 14).
In 1 Chronicles 13, David wanted to bring the ark of God back to Jerusalem. However, God smote Uzza to death because he touched the ark (1 Chron. 13:9–10). David’s first reaction was fear (1 Chron. 13:12). Fear and honour are two sides of the same coin. David honoured God by fearing Him. If he didn’t fear God, he would end up like Saul, as Saul ruled not by trusting in God but in his strength.
David had a special relationship with God in that David only desired God’s heart (Acts 13:22). In Proverbs 8:17, Jesus personified as wisdom and stated that He loves those who love Him and seek Him (Bailey, Wisdom Literature 19). David taught Solomon the importance of seeking and desiring God’s heart. Part of desiring God’s heart is to seek His wisdom. God desired the king to seek His heart. Saul was rejected as king of Israel because he didn’t seek God’s heart (1 Sam. 13:14).
Finally, David warned Solomon to be on guard against lust and adultery. He repeated the warning against lust in Proverbs 5:1–19, 6:20–35, and chapter seven. David fell short in this area when he committed adultery with Bathsheba. Unfortunately, Solomon fell short in this area as well. Even though he had a great start in life and became the most prosperous and wisest king in Israel and the world, because he couldn’t control his lust, he ended up worshipping idols from his foreign wives. As a result, Solomon did not end the race well.
Solomon’s tragic end reminds parents to overcome sin in their lives. If not, their children will inherit them and bear the same fruits. These days, with the proliferation of pornography on the Internet and social media, Proverbs clearly warns us of the danger we can all fall into if we are not careful.
The Importance of Discipline
The Old Testament also warns us of the failure of not correcting our children, like Eli and his sons. Eli was the judge before Samuel. He had two sons, Hophni and Phinehas (1 Sam. 1:3), and they were both wicked (1 Sam. 2:12). They ate meat that was meant for God’s offerings (1 Sam. 2:13) and slept with the women serving at the entrance of the tent of meeting (1 Sam. 2:22). Eli rebuked them, but they did not listen.
God sent Samuel, a man of God, to tell Eli that he honoured his sons more than God (1 Sam 2:30). Because Eli failed to restrain his children, his family faced God’s judgement (1 Sam. 3:13). Despite warnings from a man of God and Samuel, Eli did not repent and correct his sons. Instead, he consented to the Lord’s judgement rather than discipline his sons (1 Sam. 3:18). As a result, when the Philistines captured the tabernacle and defeated Israel, Eli’s sons were killed by the Philistines. When Eli heard the news, he fell off his chair, broke his neck and died (1 Sam. 4:18). Given his sons’ outright disobedience, especially as priests, would discipline and rebuking change their hearts? In The Journey of Israel, Bailey uncovered a fundamental truth that children will take on the nature of their parents (36). If we are not careful with our walk, our children will also bear the consequences. In Eli’s case, he was walking in sin, and his sons followed him.
Children need discipline to succeed spiritually. Proverbs repeat the need for parents to discipline their children so they do not stray from God. In Proverbs 3:11–12, David reminded Solomon that God would discipline him just as a loving father would discipline his son. This is repeated in Hebrews 12:5–6 to remind believers that only true sons and daughters in the Lord will face discipline through persecution. Both cases reveal that God only disciplines those He loves. As parents, the motive why we discipline our children is because of love.
Today, the idea of discipling our children is frowned upon. Studies have shown that discipline causes more harm than good (Pace et al.). The problem is that these studies don’t show the motivation behind the discipline. One can discipline a child out of anger or love. The Bible advocates the latter.
God commands in Proverbs 13:24, 19:18, and 22:15 that parents administer discipline. Tripp spends a considerable time explaining the importance of discipling and the use of the rod, spanking, as the way to administer discipline. He argues the question is not whether the parents should discipline or not. If the parents don’t, they disobey God’s command (Tripp 48). Based on his experience with his son, discipline by spanking helped the child develop self-control, respect, love, and obey his parents.
Tripp does not advocate disciplining out of anger or vengeance (54). He argues from James 1:20 that we don’t discipline out of anger because “…the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Tripp recalls an incident where a grandma was upset at her son because he did not spank his child out of anger (132). The grandma assumed spanking a child is ineffective unless done out of anger. This is wrong because James 1:20 states that human anger doesn’t produce godly righteousness. And anything that doesn’t produce godly righteousness will not be able to forge a loving relationship.
In The Christian Parenting Handbook, Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller note that discipline and disciple come from the same root word (94). The Hebrew word for discipline is chanak, which means to train. Discipline is not for punishment. Rather, its goal is to train the child to walk in the ways of the Lord. For Turansky and Miller, discipline focuses on training “…your children to become healthy, responsible adults” (94).
In Deuteronomy 8, Moses reminded the next generation of Israelites that God disciplined them out of love. The hunger the Israelites had to endure in the wilderness was not because God did not love them. Instead, God caused them to hunger in the wilderness to show them “…that men shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the LORD” (Deut. 8:3). This is a crucial lesson for the Israelites to learn—that God is their Provider and cares for their well-being.
In Deuteronomy 8:5, Moses said that the Lord chastens or disciplines the Israelites the same way a man disciplines his son. If Moses’s example applies to parenting, we must discipline our children out of love. Our children may make us angry at times. But we must refrain from lashing out in anger. We discipline because we want to help our children know who God is, just as God wanted the Israelites to know He was their Provider in the wilderness.
Gordon McConville, in the New Bible Commentary, wrote this about Deuteronomy 11:2: “[t]his discipline was a proof of God’s power as well as his love for his chosen people” (211). When God punished the Israelites for worshipping idols by sending foreigners to invade their land and brought them into captivity, it wasn’t because God was angry and wanted to destroy them. Instead, He wanted the Israelites to recognize their need for God. In essence, the purpose of God’s judgements was to lead the Israelites to repentance and return to God. Therefore, the goal of discipline is restoration and not separation.
Growing up, my parents spanked me whenever I disobeyed. They spanked out of anger, and there was no restoration afterwards. This is not the way discipline should be administered. Unfortunately, many of us experience this growing up. Now, as parents, when my wife and I spank our children, we try to stay calm to show that we are not spanking out of anger. Before administering the spanking, we will calmly tell them, “I am doing this not because I am angry but because you disobeyed us. I am doing this because I need you to learn obedience, and papa and mama love you very much.” We do not raise our voices. We then administer the spanking. Our child will cry in response. We will hug her until she stops crying. Then we debrief the child on what she has done wrong. Afterwards, we kiss our children to show them we love them. This is how we administer discipline that restores the parent-child relationship.
My wife and I are not perfect parents, and there are times when we are angry with our kids because we are irritated by them. In this case, we do not administer discipline. Instead, we apologize to our children and ask them for forgiveness. We explained to them that what we did was not right. I believe it is important when disciplining my children that I explain that disciplining them breaks my heart more than theirs. I believe this is the right way to discipline. I am doing it out of love for my children and God. Firstly, for God, because it is a biblical command, I must adhere to it as a parent. Secondly, for my children. I do not want them to wander off in their sinful desires without regard for God. Thirdly, one day our children will receive discipline from God. If they can’t receive discipline from their parents, how can they receive discipline from God?
Proverbs 22:15 says, “[f]oolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him.” Tripp described foolishness as someone who has no fear of God (125). This type of person is a fool (Psalm 14:1). Not only the fool has no regard for God, but he also does not regard any authority, including his parents (Tripp 126). How can one submit to God if one does not submit to his parents? This is an essential lesson for our children to learn. They cannot learn this from Sunday school but can only do so within a home with loving parents who desire their children to follow God.
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