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The goal of biblical parenting is for parents to guide their children to their need of a Savior, Jesus Christ. The desired outcome is for the child to come to know Jesus and desire to follow Him. Taken from the Shorter Catechism, the goal of parenting is to teach the child to know Jesus and enjoy Him forever. Bailey describes this as the mature Christian in good soil producing one hundred-fold (Leadership 101). This is another way of looking at the parents’ goal. The parents’ desire is not just for their children to go to church every Sunday, become successful in their careers, or behave well. We desire them to reach the fullness of Christ and mature in every matter (Eph. 4:13). When the heart is right with God, the right behaviours, like going to church, serving in ministry, or tithing, will follow.
Tripp questions why parents don’t use the Bible as a parenting manual. He believes “God’s ways have not proved inadequate; they are simply untried” (Tripp 13). If the Bible has answers to all of life’s questions, then as parents, we should rely on it as a guide to disciple our children. God’s words are powerful because they speak life. So how do we use the Bible to disciple our children when it is not written as a step-by-step parenting guide? The parent’s job is to help their children discover the answers to two questions: who is God and who they are.
Who is God?
How can I or anyone describe the awesome omnipotent being that created the universe? When I think of this responsibility as a parent, my heart sinks. The task is too great for me. Where do I start, and how do I start these conversations with my children? I am thankful because I am not doing this alone. The Holy Spirit is with me to reveal God to my children. Since God desires that our children know Him and love Him with all their hearts (Mark 12:30), He will help us as parents. As such, it is not an impossible task because God is with me every step of the way.
In the Bible, there are many names to describe God. God is the provider, the healer, the Almighty (Gen 17:1), and our Lord, to name a few. The New Testament shifts and uses a title, father, to describe God. The Greek word used in the gospel is patēr (McLaurin), which means father. According to the Lexham Bible Dictionary, God is described 170 times as Father in the gospels.
Why did Jesus use this term to describe our relationship with God? Despite the many titles and the different ways to describe our relationship with God, Jesus chose to use a relationship all of us can relate to. After all, we all have a father. This is a subtle but profound fact. God chose to reveal Himself through a relationship we are all acquainted with. I will explore this later in the section, Role of the Father, and how important a father is to a child’s knowledge and understanding of Jesus.
We can describe God and His persona in many ways. To fully portray God’s personality requires more than a thesis. I highlight a few key characteristics of God for parents to focus on and embody. Since our job as parents is to help our kids know who God is, we do this by exhibiting His characteristics. When our children think of God, they should know the loving characteristics of God through their experience with us.
After the incident with the golden calf at Mount Sinai, God told Moses to cut two stone tablets so God could write His law on them. In Exodus 34:6, God described Himself as merciful, gracious, longsuffering and abounding in goodness and truth. In the book, Our Beloved Heavenly Father, Bailey explores these characteristics of God—characteristics which are essential for us to show our children who God is. To exhibit these characteristics, parents must spend time with God and have an intimate relationship with Him first (Bailey, Heavenly Father 10). Therefore, intimacy with God is not just a practice that parents teach their children but is also crucial for their walk with Christ.
Mercy
The first characteristic God used to describe Himself is mercy. Mercy is defined as “…withholding punishment even when justice demands it” (Bailey, Heavenly Father 75). Mercy coveys the idea of a judge in a court case where he has the power to choose the death penalty but instead chooses life imprisonment. Today, many accuse God of not being merciful. They wrongly accuse God of sending people to hell and ask, “[i]f God is merciful and good, why do people have to go to hell?” (Weaver, 00:05-00:50). Unfortunately, they fail to see God as merciful. In Exodus 34:7, God described Himself as One who keeps mercy for a thousand generations, compared to keeping track of sins for up to four generations.
How long is one generation? In Genesis 15:13, God told Abram that his descendants would be in Egypt as slaves for 400 years. A few verses later, God equates 400 years to four generations (Gen. 15:16). Thus, one hundred years equates to one generation. If this is the case, a thousand generations equals ten thousand years. We compare God’s mercy to ten thousand years while He punishes sins for up to 400 years. The scale for God’s mercy compared to His punishment is out of proportion. This is how merciful our God is.
Mercy is dispensed by the one in authority, and none of us can earn it. We can’t work to receive God’s mercy. God dispenses mercy as He pleases (Bailey, Heavenly Father 76). Thank God He is merciful because we would all be doomed if He were not.
One example of God’s mercy is when David committed adultery with Bathsheba and killed her husband Uriah (Bailey, Heavenly Father 77). David was spared death even though he was punishable by stoning (Lev. 20:10). Granted, David received seventeen judgements, which affected his life and his descendants.
Finally, God’s mercy is evident in the Tabernacle. The mercy seat on top of the ark is where God dwelled. It is visible evidence of God’s “…heart of mercy” (Bailey, Heavenly Father 82). The mercy seat served as a reminder to the Israelites and us that we can continue to journey with Him because of God’s mercy upon our lives.
Some families identify their Christian values and write a family mission statement. Other Christian parents choose a verse like Joshua 24:15, “…as for me and my house; we will serve the Lord,” as their guide. Some may choose to follow the Ten Commandments. I’ve decided that one of the values our family will focus on is mercy. I realize that it is possible to serve the Lord without showing mercy. I can do so, but I will become legalistic. I want my children to learn that our God is merciful. So how can I display mercy to my children?
Bailey reminds us that this is not just a theoretical or spiritual idea. Rather, mercy must be worked out and lived out practically. One John 3:17 shows that we exercise God’s mercy when we share our things with a brother or a sister in need (Bailey, Heavenly Father 83). This means that as parents, we can and should show mercy to our children. When our children experience mercy from us, they learn that God is merciful. As parents, it is easy to be angry at our children when they disobey or act unruly. During these times, we need to exhibit mercy by withholding our anger. Young children will not talk or fight back because they are still under the full authority of their parents and are sometimes scared of their parents. Therefore, it is essential for parents not to abuse this relationship by being angry and yelling at them. This is not easy, as there are times when I am irritated by my children, and I will raise my voice. My children will comply, but they will do so because they fear me. When I’m caught being quick to anger and raising my voice, I approach my daughters and ask for forgiveness.
Mercy, as well as patience and kindness, can all develop at the same time. Not only do we have to show mercy to our children, but we also must show mercy to our spouses. This way, our children can tangibly see God’s mercy and illustrate how to exercise mercy when someone wrongs us. This can sometimes be even harder because a spouse may make the same mistake repeatedly. As parents show mercy to one another and their children, God forms His mercy in us.
In our family, we strive to show mercy to one another. When Wai Jia makes a mistake, I forgive her and don’t hold a grudge. When I hurt her intentionally or unintentionally, I ask her to forgive me. I pray that as my girls see this, they will realize that we are not perfect, just as our spiritual lives are not perfect. Instead, we are who we are by grace and God’s mercy. This doesn’t mean it is ok to sin. Instead, we strive for perfection by the grace of God.
Gracious
Bailey described graciousness as the “…quality which exudes affability, kindness, charm, good taste, generosity, and the state of being approachable” (Heavenly Father 85). God displays His grace to the Israelites countless times. He loved Israel because He kept His covenant with Abraham and was gracious to them despite their rebellious ways (Deut. 7:8).
The Israelites had nothing when God brought them out of Egypt from slavery. Yet, God gave Israelites gold and silver by allowing them to plunder the Egyptians (Exod. 12:36). In the wilderness, He provided water and food for them. As a result of God’s graciousness, they never lacked anything in the wilderness. Even their sandals, after forty years, were not worn out (Deut. 29:5). One would think the Israelites would be thankful for God’s freedom, care, and provision. Yet, they complained to Moses and compared how good their lives were in Egypt as slaves! God tested them ten times, and they failed (Num. 14:22). Instead of being thankful, the Israelites accused God of sending them to the wilderness to die (Exod. 16:3). The Israelites would rather go back to be slaves in Egypt than live in freedom with God.
As parents, we give our kids more than they realize or appreciate. The early years are prime examples of how we show grace to our children. As newborns, our children are completely helpless. From feeding, changing nappies, and burping, a newborn’s survival depends entirely on the parents. As the child grows to a toddler, the needs continue. Whether it is using the washroom or how to use utensils, the child needs guidance for even the simplest task. At this stage, the child may do things unintentionally that can cause her parents to be upset. It may be drawing on the wall or pouring flour over the floor. A gracious parent will clean up without showing a sign of disapproval. As children mature, they gain independence. But they still need their parents to journey with them through life.
As children grow into adulthood, they tend to return to their parents for advice in various situations. Even at forty-one, I still ask my parents for advice. This is how the parents show grace to the child. Children who grow up in families where their parents are consistently loving and supportive know their parents will always be there for them, regardless of the trouble they find themselves in—drugs, sex, gangs, or other evil influences. Parents show grace to their children when they continue to love them despite their ingratitude and rebellion. This doesn’t mean parents do not discipline their children if they misbehave.
I remember caring for my girls when they were newborns. Wai Jia needed to rest, so I took the night shift. As I tried to stay awake while holding my child on my shoulder, I wondered if she would ever know or appreciate the sacrifice my wife and I made for her. Of course, she wouldn’t realize our sacrifices since she was a baby. But as she grows older, I hope one day she understands how much we love her and sacrifice for her. To take it one step further, I hope she can grasp God’s love for her through our love. I don’t expect or demand she pay back our sacrifices. However, this is what it means to be gracious. To show grace where the other person did not deserve it or can repay it.
Bailey shares how a Christian leader fell into immorality, left the ministry and his family, and ended up living in the streets of Los Angeles (Heavenly Father 88). His wife remained faithful to him and continued to pray for him. One night, the man saw an angel, and the angel told him to go home. He went back home, where he was well-received by his wife and restored to ministry. This is a story of grace and how we can show God’s grace to our children by showing the same grace as the wife did. Even if our children have become wayward, we should continue showing them grace. We continue to pray and intercede on their behalf so that they will return to the Lord one day.
Longsuffering
Longsuffering conveys the idea of being willing to suffer from another person’s action without complaining or rejecting that person (Bailey, Heavenly Father 89). Bailey compares longsuffering to being slow to anger. What is the purpose of longsuffering? The answer lies in Romans 2:4, “[o]r do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?” God is longsuffering so the sinner can awaken and repent. God endured Israel’s sins for a long time, especially during the monarch period. He waited hundreds of years before sending them into Babylonian exile despite God sending many prophets to warn and urge Israel to return to Him (Bailey, Heavenly Father 90). This is an example of God’s longsuffering in enduring Israel’s rebelliousness.
In 2 Chronicles 33:12–13, Manasseh was exiled to Babylon. During his exile, Manasseh repented for his evil ways as king in Jerusalem. God restored him after he humbled himself, and he became the longest-reigning king in Israel. This is an example of why God is longsuffering toward Manasseh. God is waiting for them to repent and come back to Him.
As parents, it is easy to be angry with our children when they act unruly. However, we must discern whether our children act out of wilful disobedience or immaturity. Known as the terrible twos, as I call them the terrific twos, this age is one of the most trying times for parents. Tripp points to his two-year-old son’s antics as an illustration of sinful rebellion (137). It may seem that discipline is justified. Yet discipline may not be the correct response since a toddler is still developing mentally.
When my girl was two-and-a-half, she went through a stage of throwing tantrums when she couldn’t get what she wanted. This often occurred when she wanted to get a diaper from her room. If the room light was off, she had an outburst. One would think she was disobedient and rebellious. However, as a parent who spent every day with them, I knew she was not acting out of disobedience. She did not know how to communicate and hadn’t developed the verbal ability to tell me to turn on the light. Also, she has not developed the mental capacity to wait. As such, the only response she knew was to cry. If she is four and does the same thing, I would discipline her because she can wait for me or turn on the light herself.
Had I not been aware of my girl’s developmental stage because I was too busy or uninvolved, I would have assumed she was rebellious and spanked her. That would be a mistake as she would become more distressed. In response to Tripp’s point, at the toddler stage, we should only apply discipline when we observe our children as rebellious and capable of understanding that what they did was wrong. When we spend time with our children daily, we develop the ability to discern what is happening in their little hearts. Even as a two-and-a-half-year-old, we disciplined her when she rebelled against us. We know there are certain things she can do, and if she refuses to obey, that is rebellion, and the solution is discipline. Now, my child is three, and her tantrum episodes have reduced dramatically. She learned how to speak to express her needs and developed the ability to wait.
In Our Beloved Heavenly Father, Bailey shared examples of individuals who endured long suffering from their spouse’s abuse and sinful nature (92). For parents, this may mean enduring a child’s sinful nature without showing anger or bitterness. This requires endurance, self-control, and humility to continue to show love despite a child’s ill behaviour. Ultimately, the parent shows the same restraint and love as God did to the Israelites during their rebellious episodes in the wilderness. It is difficult as we tend to become angry and bitter toward the child. We may even want to give up. However, we need to remind ourselves that if we endured our children’s disobedience by responding with patience and loving kindness, our actions might lead them back to the Lord and us one day.
Goodness
In Exodus 34:6, God described Himself as good and abounding with goodness. The goodness of God is so abundant that it is immeasurable. Bailey compares the goodness of God to the vastness of the Indian Ocean (Heavenly Father 97). Goodness means not just doing the best in any situation but having the pure motive to do so. This means our motives, what is in our hearts, are just as important as the act.
We can see God’s goodness in His works in creation. In the creation story, whatever God created was good (Gen. 1:25). God not only created the world and all the living things in it, but He also cared for them. In Luke 12:6, Jesus showed the goodness of God by teaching his listeners that God even takes care of the sparrows. The psalmist in Psalm 33:5 declared that “[t]he earth is full of the goodness of the Lord.” God showed His goodness to His people time and time again in the Old Testament (Bailey, Heavenly Father 98-99). In the New Testament, Jesus reminded His followers that God loves them and cares for them, and they do not need to worry or fret about their lives (Matt. 6:25).
How do we show our children the goodness of God? We can share God’s goodness by having a thankful heart. Our kids can see how we feel by our demeanour and the tone of our voice. We can also share and remind our children how God provides for us, even in day-to-day affairs. When we think of the goodness of God, our proper and natural response is thankfulness (Bailey, Heavenly Father 106).
Once, I took my children on a kids’ train ride to the mall. As part of the ride, each child received a balloon. Since we were in the last cart, my children were the last to receive their balloons. The only balloons left were a bunny and a cat. When we went home, my children enthusiastically ran toward my wife, holding their balloons. My wife saw that the balloons were their favourite animals and used them to teach them about the goodness of God. God prepared two balloons with their favourite animals, showing how much God loved them.
Just as Wai Jia used the balloons as an opportunity to teach God’s goodness to our girls, parents can use everyday events to speak God’s truth and life into their children. They don’t necessarily need to be spectacular, but we need to have an eye and the heart to speak spiritual truths. I am still learning in this area as I am often preoccupied with just getting things done. I learned that when I am not rushing to get things done, it is easier for me to spot these God moments and teach my children about God’s goodness.
As parents, we are alert to our children’s development and whether they meet the next milestone. Whether our child is learning to walk or having suitable grades to go to university, it is natural for parents to want their children to succeed. Discipline is not just about getting something done. The motive and attitude in getting things done are just as important and, at times, more important than the action itself. It takes time to instil the right motive and attitude. Parents need to have the patience to teach the same lesson repeatedly until they see them take shape in their children’s lives.
The Nature of God
If I were to list all the attributes of God, the list would be inexhaustible. For this thesis, I elaborate on four attributes God uses to describe Himself in Exodus 34:6. We can model many more godly attributes to our children. As parents, we must raise them with godly attributes. Our children can only pick up these attributes through our interactions with them. To demonstrate these attributes, we must first develop them in ourselves. We do this by fellowshipping with God. In other words, we must have a vibrant and alive relationship with God and commune with Him daily.
Pastor Cameron observed that mothers are more inclined to disciple their children than fathers (Walcott). He concluded that perhaps fathers aren’t as interested in spiritual matters and do not want to get involved because they do not want to be seen as hypocrites. Children see parents for who they are. We cannot produce who we are not. There is no such thing as faking it until you make it, a motto some people use when starting a business or a venture. I believe the home, not the church, is where one’s spiritual maturity expresses itself. When we are at home, we let our guard down. It is possible to pretend to be spiritual on Sunday because we only attend church for a few hours. It is a waste of time to try and teach these attributes if we don’t inherit them ourselves. It is a high calling to be parents intentionally discipling their children at home.
Parents should ask themselves if they remember the last time they intentionally demonstrated one of these qualities to their children. In the same way, athletic competition requires intention and dedication; modelling godly character also demands purposeful, thoughtful living. If godly living is not intentional in the parents, godly attributes will not be demonstrated to or instilled in the children.
Who Are They?
The second question we must address with our children is how we show them who they are. Most parents talk about their children’s strengths. I always praise my children as cute and intelligent. A common phrase in our home is, “Mei mei (little sister in Chinese) is so cute, like a little chipmunk.” It is true. My youngest is adorable.
On the other hand, other parents will critique their children endlessly. Instead of praising them, they will critique their children with the thought that this is the way to show love to them. Unfortunately, this will end up discouraging their children.
The truth is, we are both. As image-bearers of God, we can do good as God is altogether good. However, we are all born as sons and daughters of disobedience (Col. 3:6) since we inherit sinful nature from the first Adam. As much as I share with my children that God is good and Jesus loves them, I am mindful that I must also explain to them that we are sinful beings. Our destiny is hell unless we acknowledge that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.
This may sound like a harsh message, especially to toddlers. But it is a message I am slowly conveying to my children. Even at their young ages, our daughters are aware of the sinful nature they inherit. Whenever my children do something wrong or disobey us, they cry in anguish. Their anguish is the result of guilt and shame. When they disobey, it is intentional disobedience against God and us. When Adam sinned by partaking in the forbidden fruit, he chose to side with Eve because he loved Eve more than God (P. Caram, Foundations 68).
In Romans 7, Paul shared his struggle with sin. By appearances and pedigree, Paul belonged to the Jewish religious elite: a Hebrews of Hebrews, circumcised on the eighth day of the tribe of Benjamin, a Pharisee, zealous for persecuting the church, rigorous follower of the Law (Phil. 3:5). If anyone could overcome sin through hard work, Paul was the one to do so. Yet, he admitted he struggled with sin. In Romans 7:19, he says that even if he wanted to do good, he couldn’t and did evil. That is, until Paul came to know Jesus, and it was Jesus who set him free (Rom. 7:25).
The first step in our discipleship journey with our children is knowing who God is and who they are. If they don’t think they need to be saved, why would they follow Jesus? And unless they realize how wicked they are, they will not see the need for Jesus.
If the child is unaware of his need for Jesus and grows up in church, he may become pharisaical. He may think he has done the right things to earn salvation. Because of pride and self-righteousness, he will look down on others and not be humble enough to realize he is also a sinner. He may become like the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son. The older brother did everything right. But his heart was far from the father. From the outside, the older brother can be considered spiritual. The sad part is that the older brother is as lost as the younger brother.
In Utmost Devotion, “The Concentration of Personal Sin,” Oswald Chambers taught that a sinner is convicted not by general knowledge of sin but by a specific sinful act. Chambers used Isaiah as an example. In Isaiah 6:5, Isaiah realized he was a sinner because of his unclean lips and his fellowship with people with unclean lips. Isaiah’s conviction of sin was specific and personal. Isaiah could not get away from it or defend himself. Therefore, he said he was undone because he knew he sinned against a holy God and deserved God’s judgement.
As parents, it is our job to reveal this to our children. We can’t do this alone. Conviction of sin is the role of the Holy Spirit (John 16:8). But our job is to educate our children that they are sinners before a holy God. We are all sinners before a holy God. This is not an easy truth to convey, but it is necessary. We address these two questions at home. These truths do not require a class or a program. We can reveal these truths to our children in our day-to-day lives.
In Colossians 3:17, Paul wrote that our words and actions should glorify God. In his commentary, Colossians and Philemon, Bailey identifies some mundane tasks or chores we do as ways we can glorify God, including “…hammering a nail, sweeping the floors, cooking, caring for someone” (166). We can bring glory to God even in the most routine parenting tasks. Is it possible that changing diapers, cleaning milk bottles, and playing with our children can glorify God if it is done with the right attitude? Yes. Since God desires people to draw near Him and worship Him (John 12:32), it makes sense that even in our day-to-day parenting, we can intentionally use these moments, which may seem insignificant, to share God with our children.
Every person responds to the gospel in different ways and at different times. When it comes to salvation, no two are alike. Thompson shares his salvation story in his book Intentional Parenting. At age six, the Holy Spirit gripped his heart to know Jesus’s death on the cross for him (Thompson 6). As parents, we must ask the Holy Spirit for creativity to speak these truths to our children. A child may understand a spiritual lesson better if it is reacted from a Bible story. A sibling may respond through a Bible study or a devotion. Another may understand the gospel message when walking home from school or in lunch-time conversation. Parents need to ask God to give them the creativity to use different means to show their children who God is and who they are. Parents also need to ask God to understand their children’s hearts so they can disciple them effectively.
Using these two questions to disciple is not new. The book of Deuteronomy contains a series of speeches by Moses to the next generation of Israelites before they entered the promised land. The generation that left Egypt rebelled against God. As punishment, God let them die in the wilderness. Their children, the next generation, would be the ones to inherit the promised land. Since the new generation did not experience God’s power against the Egyptians, Moses had to reiterate the laws and the commandments to remind them who God was.
In Deuteronomy, Moses repeated these two questions in different ways. In Deuteronomy 9, Moses reminded them who they were. Moses described them as stiff-necked (Deut. 9:6). The golden calf incident (Deut. 9:16) and rebellion at Kadesh Barnea (Deut. 9:23) were reminders that they were not righteous. When we survey their wilderness journey, we’re reminded of the many times the Israelites rebelled against God. However, these two incidents were significant because the golden calves were idols they created, just as God gave Moses the Ten Commandments. At Kadesh Barnea, they rebelled against God by refusing to enter the promised land. As a result, God punished them in the wilderness for forty more years.
Moses then addressed the question of who God is. In Deuteronomy 10:14–22, Moses described God. Everything from the highest heaven to earth and everything in it belongs to God (Duet. 10:14). God loved Israel as a nation. God is God of gods and Lord of lords. He is merciful to the fatherless and the widow. God is the one who performed mighty miracles and made Israel as numerous as the stars in the sky.
Just as Moses addressed these two questions to the next generation of Israelites, we can do the same with our children. We need to share with them the supernatural experience we encountered with God. We must share our sinful struggles and how God’s mercy saved us from further destruction. These conversations will not be nice and maybe shameful. But they are necessary. The key, though, is to help our children realize that we are all sinners at heart, and God is a great and merciful God who, through Jesus Christ, can set us free from our damnation.
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