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Parenting Like How Jesus Makes Disciples
Before I embarked on this thesis, I had never linked parenting and discipleship. I thought looking after my children was a task that had little value in the kingdom of God. I believed my time would be better spent in ministry than raising my children. As I continued to be a stay-at-home father, I realized I could speak life into our children when I was with them. More importantly, I realize that the time I spend with them daily is an opportunity for discipleship.
We often equate discipleship to attending a Bible study or class in church. Regardless of church size, one will find a Sunday school or youth program. While training the next generation through the church is important, parents should not rely on formal instructional programs to share Christ with their children. First, a child spends very little time in church. At best, a church can offer Sunday school and a midweek program for a child. If both programs take up two and a half hours a week, a child will spend 130 hours in a church program in one year. If the parents spend just forty-five minutes a day reading the Bible, doing devotions, and praying with their children, that’s 273 hours a year! This does not include the day-to-day conversations between children and parents, from waking up, having a meal together, driving them to school or sports, and living together. When I was homeschooling my daughter, I could do Sunday school almost every day. Since I am in control of my children’s education, I can be as creative and engaging as I can be in teaching my children about Jesus.
The second problem concerns evaluating the effectiveness of our discipleship program based on attendance alone. It is an error to think that a person is spiritually growing based primarily on attendance. Jesus never measures one’s spirituality based on attendance. Instead, we should use the fruits of the Spirit as metrics. I understand this is difficult in a large church with many members.
Attendance is not a wrong metric, but it is flawed if it is the only metric we measure one’s spiritual maturity. It is like determining one’s fitness level by gym attendance. Fitness is not defined by how many weights a person lifts. Likewise, attendance alone cannot tell us whether an individual has the desire to follow Jesus.
Even serving in a ministry may not be a good indicator. I once joined a ministry to coach kids for Bible quizzing because the girl I liked to pursue a relationship with was in the same ministry. The girl left the ministry just as I started. God tested my heart to see if I would remain faithful and committed to coaching the kids. I served as a Bible quiz coach until God sent me to another ministry. I am not here to judge others’ motives. But my point is that if we assume someone attending a Bible study or Sunday school has a hunger for God, we may assume incorrectly. We must look at other metrics before determining if someone is spiritual and growing in Christ.
Why do I include this metric in discussing discipling children? We tend to look at this metric in the church to evaluate our congregation’s spiritual level. We may look at the Sunday school attendance and be happy with the results because all the congregation’s children attend. However, this may not bear the fruits that we desire to see in our kids.
Part of this problem stems from the tendency to run programs instead of focusing on individuals. What would the church do if no one attended the Sunday school class? They might advertise, promote, and ask the parents to bring their children to Sunday school. Or those in charge might try to make the program more appealing and fun. Their goal, after all, is to fill the program, believing the program will create disciples. Inadvertently, the focus can shift from individuals becoming more Christ-like to filling a program.
Lastly, discipleship is never meant to be mass-produced, like in a class setting. Based on his research, Kinnaman concluded that one of the reasons young adults quit church and leave the faith is related to how the church defines success with numbers (128). He compared making disciples to a woodworking artisan making furniture. The goal of the artisan is not to produce a large amount of furniture. Instead, the artisan’s goal is to create a fine piece of one-of-a-kind furniture. Even Jesus chose twelve to disciple. He did not disciple thousands. He was very intentional in the way He taught His disciples. He lived with them, and they travelled and rested together. Along the journey, the disciples saw Jesus at work and asked Him questions about the kingdom of God. Compared to the masses, Jesus spent the most amount of time with His disciples.
Kinnaman suggested the church reconsider how to disciple the next generation by “…a willingness to invest in a young person for a period of two to four years, teaching him or her the fine art of following Christ” (128). Even though his focus is on young adults, his idea applies to parents discipling their children. What if parents are willing to invest their lives in using everyday living to show their children how to follow Jesus?
Am I saying we should abolish Bible study and Sunday classes? Of course, not. When I look back at my Christian growth, I have fond moments of Sunday school classes. I was invited to a monthly, informal Bible study by someone in the church. In each session, we studied one Bible chapter. The book of Romans has fifteen chapters, and it took us more than one year to finish. Time didn’t matter because we were not rushing to get things done. We enjoyed the fellowship and slowed down to study the Word together.
At the same time, I can see most of my spiritual growth came from relationships with other Christians. When I first became a Christian at Mississauga Chinese Alliance Church, Pastor John had just joined the church as a youth pastor. Pastor John would invite me to join him at the local gym. Even though I was not part of his ministry, he was willing to invest in me by spending time together. We discussed missions and what it means to follow Jesus.
When I look back, Pastor John was like a woodworking artisan willing to spend time with me and help me grow in Christ. He invited me to join him at McMaster Divinity‘s spiritual formation class. After auditing the course, I applied for a Master of Theological Studies in McMaster Divinity, and later, I transferred the courses to Zion Christian University for a Master of Divinity. The course and my fellowship with Pastor John birthed one crucial thing in my life: missions. That led me to visit the homeless in downtown Toronto.
Bible study and Sunday school classes have their place. But they cannot replace an intimate discipling relationship. The church needs to see discipleship as more than attending a class or a program. We need to revisit discipleship the same way Jesus made disciples—spending time in an intimate setting and living together. By God’s design, there is nothing more intimate than a family setting. And studies show that children who grow up in loving, Christ-centered homes are more likely to retain close family relationships.
What is Discipleship
The Greek word for disciple is mathétés (G3101), which also means a pupil or a learner. In Jesus’s days, if someone wanted to learn from a rabbi, a Jewish teacher, he followed that rabbi. The rabbi taught as he engaged in life (Bailey, Life of Christ 249). Everywhere the rabbi went, the student—the disciple—followed. The rabbi didn’t teach in classes or a school but in his everyday living. Jesus followed this system with the Twelve.
The rabbi’s lifestyle was just as important as his teachings. Teaching is more than just the transfer of information. Rather, teaching focuses on transforming the student’s lifestyle such that it is like the teacher (Byrley, Discipleship). By washing His disciples’ feet in John 13, Jesus showed His disciples how they should live with one another through service and hospitality. Jesus could have sat down and taught verbally. But the impact would not have been the same.
Discipleship is to follow the Lord by concentrating on God’s will and His plan for our lives (Bailey, Gospel of John 374). God has a different plan for each of us, and we should not follow or be like someone else.
Because discipleship relies on the intimacy between the disciple and the teacher, it cannot be mass-produced. It wouldn’t be possible for a rabbi to have hundreds of disciples. When Jesus came into ministry, He invited a select few to be His disciples (Mark 1:16, 19). Many people followed Jesus, but He chose twelve to journey with Him (Mark 3:14).
Jesus could have done ministry alone. Instead, He chose twelve individuals as apostles to minister and journey together (Luke 6:13). Although Jesus drew crowds of thousands, He focused on the twelve. Jesus had many intimate discussions with them so they could better understand the kingdom of God. When they passed through Galilee in Mark 9:30–31, He took them aside and taught them privately. He disciplined them whenever they did or said something wrong (Mark 8:33). Only with His disciples did Jesus speak about His crucifixion and resurrection. Not just once but repeatedly to convey the importance of the event (Luke 9:21–22, 9:43–45, 18:31–33).
The night when Jesus was betrayed, He spent the Passover meal with His disciples. His farewell discourses are recorded in the Gospel of John from chapter 13 to chapter 17. These conversations showed Jesus’ love for His disciples. Even though the disciples didn’t understand everything He said, Jesus did not abandon them. Jesus and His disciples model the intimate relationship between the rabbi and the student. This is also an example for fathers to disciple and love their children.
In a discipleship relationship, the teacher instructs through actions and words. Jesus first demonstrated to the disciples how to do ministry by performing miracles and preaching the Kingdom of God. Then He instructed His disciples to go and do the same by organizing them in pairs to preach the Good News (Luke 10:1). When they came back, He debriefed with them. First, Jesus showed them how to do ministry. Then He instructed and equipped them before sending them off. Despite the disciple’s lack of faith and hardened hearts (Matthew 8:26, Mark 6:52), Jesus continued to teach them.
Lastly, a disciple follows Jesus and simultaneously makes other disciples. The latter part is the Great Commission (Matt. 28:18-20). As parents, we are disciples that follow Jesus. We are also making disciples in our children by inviting and sharing with them who Jesus is.
What would applying Jesus’s method of discipleship in our parenting look like? Parents must recognize that each child is unique and has different needs. No one program or formula can disciple every child. It is the parent’s job to know their children well enough to discern what works and what doesn’t work for each. Is there an area of doubt that needs further discussion and exploration? Are hidden sins in the child’s life that need to be addressed? Is the child a visual learner or an auditory learner? Since no two children are alike, the parents, especially the father, must prepare a custom discipleship program for each of their children.
Children are like sponges; whatever you teach them, they take in. The problem is that we don’t know what they will remember from our actions and words. This means parents must be mindful of how they live out their faith. To be Jesus’s disciples, we must live out our faith 24/7, every minute of the day. If the parents act nice on Sunday and the rest of the week act like the rest of the world, the children will pick that up. Just as the disciples learned from the rabbi by living with him, children will know how to follow Jesus by living with their parents.
Our culture, with its fast-paced lifestyle, is a hindrance to discipling our children. Many families’ lives are scheduled fully with school, in-tuition programs, extra-curricular activities, and work demands. It is difficult, if not impossible, to stop and have spiritual conversations when we are frantically moving from one activity to the next. Frisk once overheard a conversation between a father and a son in which the father told the son he could eat a few bites in the car while they rushed to the next activity. The son said, “Dad, can’t I just take a minute to read a book or something?” (Frisk 37). The son had so many activities that he didn’t have time to read.
Despite Jesus’s busyness, He always made time for His disciples. When the crowds were gathering, and His disciples were tired, Jesus knew it was time to move to a quieter place to rest (Mark 6:31). Like Jesus, parents also needed to slow down, spend time with their children and have meaningful conversations. Most meaningful conversations are not scheduled and are spontaneous.
We need to change the way we view discipleship. We need to see every person, especially our children, as unique image-bearers of God. Discipleship will take time, energy, and effort, which is incompatible with a fast-paced lifestyle. In a hurried life, we strive for efficiency. What if it takes five, ten, fifteen, or even twenty years to journey with a child until she decides to follow Jesus? What if, instead of rushing everyone to get baptized as early as possible, we journey with our children, like Luke writing to Theophilus, until the child has examined our faith and is sure of the truth of Jesus Christ (Luke 1:4)? We may not be producing huge numbers of disciples. Still, we will be producing solid Christians who have deep roots in Jesus and can weather the storms of life.
Since every child is unique, the discipleship path must be custom-tailored. Maybe one is better at worship and needs help in Bible study. Another is naturally inclined to understand Bible truths but needs help developing the fruits of the Spirit. Since parents live with their children daily, they are attuned to each child’s needs and can craft a unique discipleship program that is custom fit for their children. Of course, we can’t do it alone, and we don’t need to because God will give us wisdom when we ask for it (James 1:5). God desires that we raise children who follow Him, and He will not neglect us. As the one who forms our children, He knows our children better than we do.
Parents must first become disciples of Jesus Christ before they can disciple their children. We cannot reproduce what we are not. This is a fundamental but crucial point. Since we call ourselves Christians, we can’t just assume we are His disciples. Discipleship requires intention and sacrifice. The calling of Simon, Andrew, James, and John are great examples of what it means to be a disciple. When Jesus called them to follow Him, they left their families and livelihoods as fishermen to join Him (Mark 1:18, 20). Levi, the tax collector, did the same (Mark 2:14).
In a conversation with Bettis, Henry Blackaby shared his adaptation of a quote by the Scottish pastor Robert Murray M’Cheyne regarding praying for his children. The quote is, “[m]y [children’s] greatest need is my personal holiness” (Bettis 189). For us to be like Christ, we need to follow Him. We need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. We need to work out our salvation in such a way that our children, and the world, can see it. We need to focus on Christ. When we abide in Christ, the Holy Spirit will transform us into His likeness. We are who we worship. If we are serious about following Jesus, we will grow in maturity. Our children will see it. We can’t hide, and our children will see Christ in us.
When I realized that my parenting journey required me to make disciples of my children, I started evaluating every area in my life and asking myself whether I was following Jesus. I acknowledged that I get angry easily, like when someone cuts me off on the road. Whenever that happens, I yell, “how can he do that.” If someone is not moving, I will say out loud, “please go faster.” I am not swearing, but my attitude is not good. My girls sit in the back seat, and they absorb everything. As my girls gets older, they starts to mimic me. Whenever we are stuck in a traffic jam, they will say, “papa, honk the horn.” I can tell my children we should love our neighbours as ourselves, but when my children see my road rage, they know I do not love my neighbour. This is an area I need to work on.
Pastor John had two boys and discipled them by inviting them to be part of the ministry (Mah). He first shows them what to do. Then they do it together. Lastly, he sends them off to do it on their own. He admits that having his children be part of the ministry is messy. Having children help in ministry is messy and, at times, chaotic. At church, it is common to see his sons pass out service pamphlets in front of the sanctuary with their mother. Pastor John invited them to help in ministry even at a very young age. Pastor John does not expect perfection. Rather, he focuses on teaching his children how to be like Jesus by serving others.
Another way Pastor John discipled his children is by spending time with them. One of their favourite activities is driving around the neighbourhood looking for junk people left on the lawn. They brought the junk home, fixed it, and sold it. The money they earned, they gave to those in need. Pastor John uses this activity to teach his children the importance of stewardship and money.
Pastor Cameron recalled his childhood experience and how his parents prioritized church over other activities, such as sports (Walcott). At home, he and his sister learned the importance of prioritizing Jesus over his parents’ actions. His parents were not wealthy. Instead of spending money on eating out or having brand-name shoes, his parents gave to missions, supporting his aunt and uncle as missionaries in Tanzania. Seeing where his parents placed their priorities and how they spent their money and time left an impression on Pastor Cameron’s heart and was one of the reasons why he decided to go into ministry.
When it comes to discipling our children, Frisk reminds us to be like Paul in 1 Corinthians 11:1, “[i]mitate me, just as I also imitate Christ” (17). Parents must be disciples first before they can disciple their children. Thompson observes that we can’t disciple our children beyond our level of discipleship (56). Unless we are disciples of Jesus Christ ourselves, we cannot make our children disciples. This goes back to Deuteronomy 6:5 to love God with all our heart, soul, and strength. The point of Christianity isn’t about following a set of rules and rituals without a relationship with a living God. Tripp warned that this is condemnable and comparable to the hypocritical actions of the Pharisees (21). Therefore, Tripp focuses on teaching the children to do the right things and addressing their hearts. If the heart is right, the actions stemming from the heart will also be right.
As I mentioned, discipleship is based on a relationship and is not primarily done in a classroom setting. Pastor John viewed discipleship as a lifestyle (Mah). I realized this quickly as I learned my toddlers can’t sit still for a Bible study. Of course, I don’t intend for my toddler to study Scripture passages. They are made to run around, explore, and make a mess at their development level. In hindsight, I thought my kids would learn about Jesus in Sunday school. As a stay-at-home father, I’ve spent considerable time with my children. Our usual routine is to go to a mall in the afternoon to go grocery shopping or to borrow books at the library. There are many opportunities to disciple them because we are together. This means that every time I spend with my children, I have two purposes. The first is to get things done, and the other, more importantly, is to use the time together for spiritual discussion. The latter is only possible when I open my eyes and ears to see how I can impart spiritual truths to my children.
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