One of the other problems I’ve encountered in our fast-paced lifestyle is how difficult it is to effectively disciple my children when I am busy and on the go. When I rush from one point to another, running errands and checking off my to-do list, I don’t have time to pause and disciple my children. Jesus wasn’t rushing to get things done. He was busy because everyone wanted to see Him. However, He made time for His disciples and others. Often, when He was interrupted, He stopped to make a teaching point. For example, when Jesus was on His way to heal Jairus’ daughter in Mark 5, a woman with bleeding for twelve years touched Him and was healed. Jesus could have ignored this woman and continued His way to Jairus’ daughter. Instead, He stopped and spoke to the woman (Mark 5:34).
This is a good reminder for me. My children will not learn to be Christ-like if I finish my to-do list without bearing the fruits of the Spirit. As such, I am making a conscious decision to slow things down. If the purpose of my current season is to show them how God is like a father, then efficiency and getting things done are not the main priority. If I let efficiency and productivity control our lives, I’ll teach them that getting things done is more important than becoming Christ-like. We can accomplish many tasks without being Christ-like and following the world’s ways. That will miss the mark of being a hundredfold Christian, which is the ultimate purpose of discipleship. Since my children are small, they can’t walk as fast as me. Whenever I am rushing, and they are lagging, I get upset. Such behaviour shows them I care more about getting things done than their well-being. Upset and anger are not godly characteristics.
If I dig deeper and ask myself why I am rushing, I realize it is out of fear. The fear is worrying about insufficient stuff at home or time to get everything done. I acknowledge that pride plays a role here. I am rushing to get things done to feel good about myself. This feeds my pride and reveals that I am basing my identity and security on myself, not I fear that I don’t trust God to provide for my daily needs. It may not be an actual lesson to my children, but they will pick this up and do the same when they grow up. They will view the most important in life as getting things done at the sacrifice of becoming more Christ-like. Or they will be like Jacob, see that the most important goal in life is to acquire things in whatever ways necessary and find security in amassing things, whether wealth, power, or credentials. Or they will walk away from the faith because they see the hypocrisy of their father.
I’ve decided to stop striving to make my schedule work. I was proud to pack my schedule as full as possible in my younger days. If I was stressed from being busy, I would suppress my feelings and bear with them. I’ve learned that this approach to life will not work when my primary focus is to disciple my children. Had I continued to pack my schedule as full as possible, I would yell at my kids to get them to move faster and not exhibit the fruits of the Spirit. Once I realized that I decided to do the opposite. I started to stop filling my schedule with lots of activities. I want to leave room for spontaneous conversations with my children. I want the luxury of having time to address my children’s questions.
The best part about slowing down is finding opportunities to disciple my children. When I slow things down, I have time to stop to talk to my children and explain things to them. I am discipling them by having time to talk about Jesus and demonstrate the fruits of the Holy Spirit, especially patience and kindness.
My girls buy little muffins at the bakery whenever we go to the mall. Once S was upset because the bakery ran out of her favourite chocolate muffins. She was crying hysterically. Because I wasn’t in a rush, I let her cry it out. After composing herself, I asked her if there had been a time when she didn’t have a snack with me. She thought about it and told me no. I then used this opportunity as a discipleship moment.
I told her that, as her father, I would always get a snack for her because I love her. I asked her whether there was a time when she had no snack to eat when we were out. She thought about it and told me no. I used this example to help her relationship with God as our provider. Our heavenly Father, God, deals with us in the same way. I reassured her that God, her heavenly Father, will always provide for her, and she will not lack. I taught her that God is providing our daily bread (Matt. 6:11) and that we don’t need to worry about laying up treasures on earth (Matt. 5:19) and not worry about what we will eat or what we will drink (Matt. 6:25). Like her earthly father, our heavenly Father will give her good gifts (Luke 11:13) and provide for her (Matt. 6:31–32). We didn’t sit down and do a Bible study. But I told her spiritual truths in a way she could comprehend at four. She will remember her earthly father always providing for her. I desire for S to link her experience with her earthly father with God as her Heavenly Father. Whenever she thinks of God as Jehovah-Jireh, she will have physical experience from her earthly father.
If I had a busy schedule and was in a similar situation, I would probably yell at her to stop crying, yank her away, and scold her. Then S would have a wrong impression of God. If her earthly father didn’t give her good gifts, how would she expect her heavenly Father to provide (Matt. 7:11)?
The Everyday Conversations
As we disciple our children daily, we need to seek opportunities to teach God’s truth to them. This is not easy because parents are busy, especially when the children are young. I cannot recount how busy I am taking care of my two toddlers. Even coming home from the grocery, I must help them take off their shoes, change their diapers, and feed them snacks. This is even before I unload the groceries in the kitchen. On top of that, there are bills to pay, ministry, work, and keeping the house in order.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told His disciples not to focus on what the Gentiles sought. The Gentiles seek necessities like food, drink, and clothing (Matt. 6:31). Instead, disciples should seek His kingdom and His righteousness first (Matt. 6:33). What if we apply this lesson in the context of parenting? What if we consider all the things we do daily as an opportunity to talk about God? What if getting things done is secondary compared to showing our children who God is? My schedule will not be so important, and I may be late for meetings. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am consistent in my actions and my speech as a disciple of Jesus Christ.
Jesus often taught in parables (Matt. 13:34) because He wanted to compare the kingdom of God to things and situations that his audiences would understand. The weather, seeds, plants, family, and bread were illustrations his listeners were familiar with. In the epistles, Paul did the same thing. He compared immature Christians to babes that needed milk instead of meat (1 Cor. 3:2). Paul also compared the life of a Christian minister to a soldier (2 Tim. 2:3) and the Christian life as a runner who disciplined himself to win the race (2 Tim. 4:7). Parables and analogies are powerful ways to explain the Kingdom of God.
Returning to the incident with the chocolate muffin, I can teach the same lesson in a Bible study. But I believe using the chocolate muffin as an example of God as her provider is far more powerful and relevant.
I should not see every day as a twenty-four-hour period to survive looking after my children. Instead, I must look for opportunities to teach my children spiritual truths. My priority ought not to be to finish the to-do list, which the fast-paced culture thrives on. Rather, I must slow down, observe, listen, and pray in my heart as I seek the Holy Spirit for revelations and ask Him to show me creative ways to connect my children to Jesus. This is challenging because there is no set schedule or lesson plan. I must know the Bible to draw examples for my children whenever an opportunity presents itself. There are days when I go back to my old habit of wanting to get things done as fast as possible. However, I am learning, too, along with my children, that God is genuinely creative, and each moment in life is an opportunity to connect to God.
As a parent, it is easy to cruise parenting. I simply follow the schedule with them and let the days go by. Once the day is gone, it is gone. I can’t get it back. I only have one shot to disciple my children while they are young. When I realize I won’t have a second chance to disciple them, I am even more motivated to do my best to connect with them.
One of the best times to talk about God is when children face difficulties. When an older girl bullied S in the playground, my wife and I had to pray and discern how to respond. We could have stopped going to the playground and avoided the problem altogether. Another possibility was to confront the bully by speaking to her parents. Wai Jia spoke to the girl’s mother about the incident. Instead of disciplining her daughter, the mother told my child that bullying is part of life and she should get used to it.
Because of the incident, Wai Jia could speak spiritual truth to S. Wai Jia taught S that we need to overcome evil with good (Rom. 12:21). With this in mind, we gave a gift to the bully and her mother during the Chinese Mid-Lantern festival. We wanted S to see that as followers of Jesus, we responded differently than the rest of the world because Jesus is our God, and He is the one we worship.
The playground is a microcosm of the world. It is ruled by bullies, whether by fist or by taunting. You either avoid the bully, or you become one yourself. There is no mercy or grace for those who are weak. Had Wai Jia not been there with S on the playground, S would have learned to deal with bullying the way the world does. Then this valuable lesson on loving your enemies would be lost. Because S was only four then, she would have trouble articulating to us what happened. Since we dedicate our time to our children, we can protect and journey with them. Even at this young age, S recognized the negative feelings brought on by the bully’s taunting.
Since S can recognize negative feelings, we can discuss spiritual truth. She may not realize that we forgive others because God forgives us for our sins. But we are building the conversations step by step until one day she is mature enough to understand the full gospel.
We often think that only the significant events in our lives are the ones that shape us. To an extent, it is true. But we shouldn’t neglect everyday living and conversations as well. These are filled with possibilities for sharing Jesus with our children. These conversations are more valuable than Sunday school. What amazes me is how children can ask spiritual questions. They will often ask them spontaneously.
Once while walking to the store with Wai Jia, S told Wai Jia that Jesus spoke to her and told her not to be afraid of school. Wai Jia used this discussion to affirm to S that Jesus would never leave her. This reinforced Moses’ instructions in Deuteronomy 6:7 on how parents could teach their children about God in everyday activities.
Conversations such as this need to go both ways. We need to take the time to listen to our children to hear what they have to say and impart wisdom and spiritual truth to them. Again, this is only possible if we slow down and our schedules are flexible enough to allow time for these conversations. Of course, they don’t come at the most convenient times. However, even at the age of four, we already have these conversations with S. We have dedicated time for devotion and Bible reading. But deep and spiritual conversations often occur spontaneously. It may happen when we are travelling in the car or walking to the playground. We don’t know when but they will happen if we are attentive to them. I’ve learned from my children that it is never too early to talk to our children about Jesus. Children are more perceptive than we think.
I do not believe my child is an exception. Like all of us, I believe children think and wonder about things, even spiritual things. But as parents, we need to take the time to listen to them when they are speaking. We need to give our children space to think through things. It is easy to override them, especially when parents rush from one place to another or to get things done. Or we may just give them a quick answer without addressing their doubts or concerns. Unfortunately, when that happens, the chance to talk about Jesus and shape their spiritual lives is lost. If parents neglect these conversations, it shows the children that spiritual things take the backseat and Jesus is not a priority.
Parents may think they are not well equipped to disciple their children. After all, we are not qualified like the youth pastor, who has a degree in theology and specializes in teaching children. I don’t think I am fun and high-energy enough for my kids. This is far from the truth. There is a special bond between parents and children. My children look up to me because I am their father. We only need to make time for our children and intentionally seek opportunities to talk about Jesus. The most crucial requirement is time. This is very costly because time is a rarity in a fast-paced culture.
Wai Jia and I have discussed this and realized we couldn’t do everything simultaneously. Even though I am a stay-at-home dad, Wai Jia also slowed down her work to help look after our children. She did so because she wanted to invest in our children’s lives and gave me time to finish my Master of Divinity degree. She wouldn’t be working part-time if she wanted to pursue her career. We invested our time and energy with our children so that we could make the most of every day to disciple them.
Focusing on having conversations with your children is not a new concept. In The Disciple-Making Parents, Bettis recalled Jonathan Edwards doing the same thing with his children. Despite his busy schedule, Jonathan Edwards found time to speak to each of his children (102). Samuel Hopkins described Jonathan Edwards’s interaction with his children as “…entering freely into feelings and concerns of his children and relaxing into cheerful and animate conversation accompanied frequently with sprightly remarks and sallies of wit and humor … then he went back to his study for more work before dinner” (103).
It is hard to imagine the one who preached the sermon, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God,” joking with his children. Not only that, Hopkins described Edwards as relaxed and cheerful. This is a good takeaway, as I tend to be snappy and angry when I am busy to get things done. Our children need us to be truly happy and relax with them. They are great at reading our emotions and can tell when we are not.
This is the key to having a heart connection with a child. Based on Hopkins’ observation, Edwards’s children did not realize the intense burden Edwards was carrying for his ministry. They didn’t need to. Jonathan was their father in front of his children, an expression of the heavenly Father. Hopkins also noticed that through the conversations, Edwards showed concern for his children’s souls. This is also an important note. Though the conversations were light-hearted, Edwards was probing and trying to understand each child’s heart condition. As parents, we have the privilege, the opportunity, and the authority to do so.
Proverbs 20:5 describes the heart like deep waters, and only one who understands it can draw it out. The other day, S asked me if I ever made mistakes. Her question allowed me to start a conversation. Another time, she told Wai Jia and me that she felt sad because her friend was mean to her. The last time she met that friend was many months ago. She needed time to process. But we were glad she told us. These precious moments were opportunities to draw out what was in S’s heart. That night, we had a spiritual conversation on the importance of knowing godly friends and those who are not. Through these conversations, we helped her navigate her heart issues. She learned that not every friend she meets is a true friend.
Bettis describes two types of conversations we should have with our children: intentional (102) and spontaneous (103). Intentional conversations are specific times we set aside to discuss spiritual matters. For my family, it is devotions and Bible reading early in the morning and praying for one another before going to sleep. Spontaneous conversations are what seem like random conversations throughout the day. Bettis also agrees that spontaneous conversations are great for children, and parents must stop what they are doing and make time for them.
Frisk points out that some Christian parents may have difficulty discussing faith because it is unnatural (82). Discussing our faith life with our child may seem awkward, but it shouldn’t. What we love is what we are excited to talk about. I am passionate about the sport and can talk about triathlons and training for a long time. What if we find it hard to talk about Jesus with our children? Perhaps, we are not as passionate about Him as we ought to be.
Frisk reminds her readers that parenting is not just a performance; it is ok for us to fail (165). We may feel discouraged if we fail to accomplish the teaching lesson we planned for our children. There were many times when I led a Bible lesson with my children, ending in disaster. My kids were running around or not paying attention, and I never finished my lesson plan. Either I was too deep, or my child was not ready to listen. A lesson that didn’t turn out as planned is not a reason to quit or delegate the responsibility to my wife. It is a reason to keep trying because the stakes are too high not to. The best part is that my children never consider me a failure. They are happy we get to spend time together.
As I started to disciple my children, I quickly realized I needed God’s creativity to help me. Unlike my wife, I am not easily connected with children. I can teach adults easily, but it is so hard with children. Again, my inability to communicate clearly or creatively with my children is not a reason not to try. Instead, I actively seek the Holy Spirit to give me the right words, the best way to talk to our children, or the creativity to do an activity that imparts spiritual truth. Children, especially young ones, are not interested or can carry on deep discussions. However, this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk to them about Jesus. They observe and take in even if they cannot speak or respond. The best part about children is that it doesn’t have to be just a verbal discussion. You can act out a Bible story, make a craft, or play a game. There are many creative ways to immerse our children in the kingdom of God.
Explaining Why We Do What We Do
God repeatedly directs parents to teach their children why they do what they do. It was the Israelite parents’ job to explain to their children why they celebrated the Passover and the Feast of the Unleavened Bread (Exod. 12:26). When children asked about the testimonies, the statutes or the judgments, it allowed parents to teach them (Deut. 6:20).
As soon as Joshua passed away, the next generation completely forgot God and what He had done (Judg. 2:10). A whole generation was lost and started to worship idols because they did not remember why they should follow God (Judg. 2:11). This is a good reminder for us. If we don’t take the time to explain why we do what we do, our children may grow up in church but walk away from the faith as they grow up because they fail to understand the meaning behind our Christian faith. Traditions and rituals are meaningless without understanding the why.
A child growing up in a Christian home must understand the basics. Why do we pray? Why do we give thanks? Why do we read the Bible? As we worship together as a family, we need to take the time to explain why we do what we do. My children, though young, quickly grasp the idea of praying before eating. Usually, we will pray, give thanks for the food and immediately eat our meals. But once, I decided to pause after we prayed. I explained to our children that since God is the One who provides for us, in return, we prayed and thanked God for our daily bread. My girls easily recite a prayer before a meal. But if I don’t explain why we pray, she may not understand that God is our Jehovah-Jireh.
No matter their age, children will ask questions about Christianity. Parents should encourage this because asking shows the child is interested in Christianity and professing the faith. Even if they have a question we can’t answer, we don’t need to be ashamed. We can admit we do not know and find the answer before responding. These conversations are opportunities for deep discussions. On the other hand, parents who are too busy ignoring their children’s questions miss out on an important opportunity to disciple.
Frisk shared that it is important not to say what is obvious but to repeat it often (92). Anything that can reply with, “it goes without saying,” is worth stopping and explaining to our children. Even the simple thing of valuing relationships and helping the needy, which seems obvious, is new for our children. As such, we need to be mindful to take the time to explain to our children why we do what we do. For example, we read the Bible to our children every day. Yet, how often do we stop and explain to our children why we read the Bible and how God’s words are a light to our path (Ps. 119:105)?